See, Mom and Dad? I TOLD you Warren and his checkered vans were going to come in handy one day…
Stay tuned– “Witty Dork” theme coming soon!
Category Archives: Random Thoughts/Happenings
Duck You, Auto-Correct
Dear Auto-Correct,
I solemnly swear that there is no circumstance in which I have ever meant, or will ever mean, “duck” or “ducking.”
So stop it. You are being the opposite of helpful. In fact, go ahead and eliminate those two words from your lexicon entirely.
I realize that there might be a day when I regret this request, such as when I am caught in an air missile strike or am being pecked to death by pond wildlife, but that’s a risk I am willing to take.
Besides, fuck and fucking will work just fine in both those situations.
Thanks,
Emily
Getting the Job Done
Yesterday around noon, I developed a somewhat debilitating headache. The pain was so bad that I considered canceling my after-school tutoring sessions. But, despite the fact that I was squeezing my head between my hands and barely able to move my neck, I thought to myself, “Just make it through this, and you’ll have $300 cash in your pocket.”
And then I thought, “Oh god, this is exactly what hookers say to themselves.” And that was extremely unsettling.
Because come on, Emily– if hookers can do it, surely so can you!
#positiveselftalk
An Open Letter to Someecards
Dear Someecards,
WTF, guys? Look, I’ve always been a huge fan. Love your cards, and send them to everyone I know, for all occasions, no matter how seemingly inappropriate (most recent lesson learned: Death of a beloved pet = never funny. Friend getting dumped = only sometimes funny, with the right drugs on hand).
So I went to your online store, knowing you’d have some hilarious gift options for my 6-week-old nephew, who is the the cutest damn thing in the world but who also does some pretty weird shit, such as not understand English and constantly piss himself. I knew if anyone would understand how selfish and absurd babies are, it’d be you guys. And I was right! Your website gave me several baby-shaming options, right down to “I totally wrecked a vagina” (which I came thisclose to ordering, but my sister’s sense of humor has its limits, in that it barely exists.)
But there was one that was just freakin PERFECT, because, as much as my sister loves being a mom and loves that little chicken mcnugget, she mutters the words “Being a lawyer is so much easier than taking care of an infant” at a rate of 3 times per minute whenever I’m there. So when I saw the onesie that read “I make Daddy look forward to going into the office,” I thought, “Oh! Perfect! I just need the Mommy version!”
But there is no Mommy version. So I thought, “Oh, ok, this is weird. Maybe someecards just doesn’t have anyone on staff who is a woman. Or knows a woman. Or has existed in society in the past 50 years. Or lives in America. Or has heard of America.” But then I perused your “Somewhat Topical,” section, and this everyone-at-someecards-is-living-under-a-boulder-or-maybe-in-Afghanistan theory didn’t quite add up, as I see you have already printed cards about the Selma Oscar snub, Fifty Shades of Grey the Movie, and even a hilarious depiction of someone getting killed by traffic while crossing the street and checking their iPhone (totally going to happen to me one day, so I’m glad people will have a card to send to my mother).
Anyway, I’m not saying I’m going to protest your site or anything, but I can’t say I’m not disappointed. I count on you guys to be spot-on in your depictions of our ridiculous, fucked-up, asinine society. So let me be the first to clue you in: in our ridiculous, fucked-up, asinine society– women work.
Thanks for listening,
Emily (a woman who works, and who plans to work when she has kids one day, and who plans to be just as excited as her husband to get away from said kids– so get that Mommy-in-the-workplace shit made before then. You probably have a while.)
#someecards
Tricks for Feeling Productive
Look, guys! I JUST finished writing my to-do list and I can already check one thing off! Today is going to be a GREAT day.
Soy Sauce or Sharpie?
When your day begins with the question “Is this soy sauce or Sharpie?” while staring at a stain on your shower towel, it’s time to reevaluate your entire existence.
Because honestly, neither answer is reassuring, and both answers represent a situation that never should have occurred while wearing a bath towel.
Consequently, I have been shamed into learning an important lesson this morning.
I should do everything naked.
Uch
I hate it when people post purposely vague statements in order to get attention and elicit follow up questions from all their Facebook friends. It’s so juvenile.
You know exactly what I’m talking about, “certain someone”– I’m sick of it.
_______________________________________________________________________
Follow up– an hour after I posted the above:
OMG!
Soooooo THIS was in today’s Skimm (#theSkimm), which can only mean one thing….
THE SKIMM READS MY BLOG, GUYS!!!!!
(Please see The Guy Who LARPed)
My Magic Pants
I have a pair of magic pants. I know, I know, you find that hard to believe– and for a while, I was pretty skeptical myself. But now, guys, I have proof.
My pants are magic because every winter, they shrink, and then every spring/summer, they expand again. It’s this neat little trick they’ve been playing on me for the past 5 years. And today, my magic pants took it to a whole new level. Instead of just shrinking and being uncomfortably tight, (their usual beginning-of-January-trick– my magic pants are nothing if not predictable) this year they decided to not even zip! It’s like they were saying “Hey, Em, I know you haven’t TRULY believed in our shrinking/expanding magic these past years– but look at us now! You can’t even zip us! NOW are you going to deny our powers?!”
And I’ll admit, I was still skeptical, because momma didn’t raise no fool. So I fought with the zipper. And wouldn’t you know it, just to prove their magic, not only did the pants not let me zip them, they made the zipper BREAK. Oh you silly magic pants. The games you play!
So now I’m a TRUE believer in your magic, Magic Pants. And the great thing about this is that I can just fold you right back up and take you out again in the spring. By that time, you will have expanded back to your normal size and re-grown your zipper. I’m confident that re-growing the zipper is part of your magic.
And you know what? Come springtime, I’ll even do that thing where I eat less nachos-and-hershey-nuggets dinners and generally remove myself from the ass-shaped crater in my couch more, because I feel like, for whatever reason, that makes you excited to do your magic expanding thing. It’s weird what sets you off.
Teamwork, Magic Pants. You and me.
The NYC Effect
This morning I woke up and saw on the news that there was a fire at Penn Station.
The old, Maryland-born me: “Oh my gosh, I hope no one got hurt!”
Me after 2 years in NYC: “Thank god I don’t have to go to the west side today. Also, I hope no one got hurt.”
Me after 5 years in NYC: “Thank god I don’t have to go to the west side today. This better not affect east side trains. Oh, also, I hope no one got hurt.”
Me this morning: “If this affects east side trains I will fucking kill someone.”
Not great.
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