Eric put my birthday in his calendar.
I’m not sure about the order. 😒
Category Archives: Relationships
Like My Men
The flushing handle on my toilet can be very temperamental. Eric got annoyed with it.
Eric: “Your toilet is so stupid!”
Me: “Yeah, well, I like my toilets how I like my men.”
Eric: “Built to handle all your shit?”
How to Lose a Guy in (Roughly) 10 Texts, Part 2
How to Lose a Guy in (Roughly) 10 Texts
“Never get married. Your taxes will go through the roof.” –Eric’s accountant, to Eric.
So then I shot Eric’s accountant.
Valentine’s Day is Silly
Eric: (handing me a bouquet of roses): “Happy Valentine’s Day!”
Me: “Aw, thank you. This is so unnecessary! You know I don’t care at ALL about Valentine’s Day, I told you that. It’s such a dumb holiday.”
Eric: “K, then give me $20.”
Me (out loud): (laughs)
Me (internally): He only paid $20 for these?! On VALENTINES DAY?!
Before Coffee
Eric accuses me of being less than pleasant in the morning before coffee. This is valid. However, this morning is a perfect example of what I deal with every day.
Eric (after using my blow dryer to warm himself post-shower, setting it down on the top of the toilet, and it crashing to the floor, knocking down my makeup bag): “Hey, you know what?”
Me (frantically getting dressed and trying not to be late, after having squeezed in a 5-mile pre-work training run): “What?”
Eric: “Besides monkeys, humans are the only animals that have butts.”
Me: (no response. For obvious reasons.)
Eric: “Like…think about it.”
Me: (looking at clock, realizing I’m down to the wire)
Eric: “Four legged animals just have their legs, and then a buttHOLE. But no BUTT.”
Me: “Uh huh…”
Eric: “And like–”
Me: “K bye! Love you!” (Leave)
So in context, I think we can all agree I’m doing what I need to do to survive.
 
He lost me at “Soho.”
Blog Boyfriend
This is Eric’s life:
Except instead of “Instagram Husband,” it’s “Blog Boyfriend.”
And instead of flattering photos that make us look like we’re living the best, most picturesque life ever, it’s just a bunch of posts that embarrass him, make us both look stupid, and cause him to worry what his mother will think.
This post is a good example.
I’ve Already Ruined Super Bowl Sunday
Watching a super bowl pre-game show, the hosts mention Michael Strahan.
Me: “Wait…Michael Strahan?”
Eric (nervous): “Yeah…”
Me: “He used to play football?”
Eric: <disbelieving silence>
Me: “Like, before he was Kelly Ripa’s sidekick?”
Eric: <rubbing temples>
I’m going to say less things for the rest of the day.
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