The NYC Naked Cowboy dancing underneath the Trump Tower sign while this reporter desperately tries to give a serious analysis of last night’s debate is the perfect visual representation of this presidential election.
- Any one of the over 250 elementary school students I’ve taught over the last 8 years.
- This emoji
- Booger McPorkpie
- My left pinky toe. Unpolished.
- A deaf, mute mime
- Ralph from The Simpsons
- The pile of shit I found in the stairwell last week
— Potential Moderators who would have done a better job than Lester Holt
Is It Just Me?
I’m looking forward to this presidential debate in that creepy, sadistic way you look forward to finally seeing the horrific crash scene at the end of the maddening, stand-still traffic jam you’ve been stuck in for hours on end.
“31 years.”
— my brother Jeremy, 31, on how long he’s been working on the speech/roast he will give at my rehearsal dinner.
Eric is meeting my 1st cousins for the first time this weekend at a family wedding. We are prepping.
Me: “Ok, so again. The siblings of the groom are…”
Eric: “Helen!….and Mirren!”
Me: “No.”
Eric: “Mork and Mindy!”
Jacob and Miriam.
Maybe I’ll Let Eric Do The Talking
“Where’d we meet? On an app called J-Swipe. Oh, you don’t know it? Well, it’s an app where Jews can swipe left or right on other Jews. It’s also location-based, so you can see all the Jews in your immediate vicinity. Basically I looked at my app and was like, ‘What’s that, a Jew 2 blocks away? Sounds convenient– let’s do this!’ No no, don’t give me that look. This was not a sleazy late night meeting. I know people refer to J-Swipe as the Jewish Tinder, but it’s really not the same reputation. And besides, Tinder doesn’t even have that slutty rep anymore! I totally know people who have found true love on Tinder. But anyway, I think the fact that it’s a Jewish site makes it inherently less one-night-stand-ish because, I mean, if you’re a Jew specifically looking for another Jew, you presumably are probably wanting more than just a one-night ‘wham bam thank you jewish ma’am?’ Don’t you think?”
(silence)
“Oh, I’m sorry…I thought we were in the trust tree…in the nest. Are we not?”
— Conversation I envision happening when we meet with our wedding rabbi.
I Shit You Not
Here’s an email I just had to send to management.
And here’s how Eric wanted to handle it (I did not allow him to hit send)…..
This Pretty Much Sums Up Our Sibling Communication
We’re going to an out of town family wedding together this weekend and there’s been essentially zero coordination.
Ohhhh, ok. I’m supposed to say “Great!”
Friend: “How’s wedding planning going?”
Me: “Honestly, I feel guilty saying this, and I hear how annoying this sounds as it’s coming out of my mouth, because I know how lucky I am to have found Eric, and I know all of this is such a blessing and every step is supposed to be so exciting, but it’s just a lot of decision making about things I don’t normally even think about– and you know me, I get anxious pretty easily, particularly when I have to make decisions about stuff I know nothing about, and I’m having lots of different opinions thrown at me, and there are already emotions flying from various people– so, it’s just getting super overwhelming, you know?”
(Silence)
Friend : “Yeah. But like, overwhelming in a GOOD way, right?”
Me: “Oh my god, yes! Yes, of COURSE yes.”
No.
That’s not what I said at all.
Cuntonomics
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