The rule was that I wouldn’t do it. Long distance is tough.
But tonight I have a first date with a guy who lives in New Jersey, because, thanks to this guy, the new standard is “Well, as long as he knows he lives in New Jersey….”
It’s bad when your standards start to match your expectations, in the sense that neither one can be recovered without an extensive, all-hands-on-deck, Jurrasic-park-style archaeological dig.
After a few minutes of conversation, and from viewing my profile and photos, this guy thought he had me “all figured out.”
(Continuation of emoji-loving This Fresh Prince mini-series)
That moment when you lose patience and simply force someone to ask you out.
I’m out on a first date with a nice Jewish boy. Works at a bank, speaks fondly of his parents, and is dressed in the standard crisp long-sleeved-button-down jewniform, just like our ancestors in the land of Egypt envisioned. Clean shaven, polite, no red flags waving wildly in the wind.
About 10 minutes into the date, he asks me if I’m religious. I laugh and reply no. Yes, I am Jewish and yes I appreciate and respect the cultural and historical aspects of Judaism, but I do not consider myself to be a religious person at all.
“Ok, good,” he replies. And then he rolls up the cuff of the shirt his Bubbe clearly picked out for him to revel an entire wrist-to-shoulder tattoo sleeve. Not just a tattoo, guys. Not a sweet tiny tribute to his overbearing but well-meaning mom, deceased Holocaust-surviving Zayde, or beloved childhood pet. A tattoo sleeve.
This thing was HUGE. And intricate. And wildly colorful. I’m talking enormous, bright red koi fish. So many koi fish. There is no circumstance in which this many koi fish should ever share this small a space. It’s just too much. I prefer my koi fish to be sparse and unobtrusive– you know, where you really have to search and be patient if you want to catch them swimming by in that indoor mall fountain.
The design had not one gap. It was a thorough sleeve of glaring, bright ink. Like this (but, you know– ON AN ARM):
My eyes grew wide. I don’t have the best game face.
Me: “Umm…oh! That’s…oh.”
Him: “I thought you said you weren’t religious.”
Me: “Right…”
Him: “I knew it. You ARE religious.”
Me: “No no no…not religious.”
Judgmental.
Today’s match on Coffee Meets Bagel requests the following:
So, therefore:
$100 says that after the first laugh, he’ll be totally smitten.
Then, after the second or third laugh, he’ll be terrified.
Girls are only allowed to be so funny.
Last night at parent/teacher conferences, a parent told us that this summer, her family is moving to another state. We were sad to hear this, as we really like this family.
Us: “Well, be sure to keep in touch.”
Mom: “Of course. And if you two ever find yourselves in our area, please visit!”
Us: “We just might!”
Mom: “And call us if you ever need advice down the road…(looks at my co-teacher, who is engaged)…like if you decide to have kids one day (looks at me)…or a pet.”
Interestingly, the general FEMALE reaction to Last Night’s Date has been two enthusiastic thumbs up (the words “marry him or I will give up on life entirely” have been used in a not-at-all dramatic fashion), while the general MALE reaction has been wholly unimpressed.
I went to dinner with my friends Gabi and Adam last night. Gabi was intiaitlly not sure, but then decided she was on Team Prankster….Adam was wholeheartedly anti.
Then this morning I received an email from a friend in California, saying that everyone in LA (and by everyone, she pretty much just meant herself) was rooting for him. I forwarded this to Gabi and Adam to prove that people are on totally on Team Prankster. Adam stood firm.
Slow clap video referenced in email: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZHI88infeU
When dating and teaching intersect. 
No response. Weird.
Ladies and gentleman, my future husband.
Emily's Posts 