Eric and I are babysitting my nephew all day today.
Me (watching Tyler contentedly watching Winnie the Pooh): “See? We can do this! Parenthood is easy! He’s quiet and happy.”
Eric: “How much time has gone by?”
3 minutes.
Tag Archives: family
We Fucking Love Cobb Salads
The text below refers to the following voicemail (to listen, hit play on the black audio bar) I left for my brother Jeremy on his birthday. I think it is a pitch-perfect, stunning example of why I don’t– and never should– make voice calls.
Yes. Because that’s how famous I am.
My mother, in a text to my brothers, expressing what I think we can all agree is a completely valid wedding concern:
She’s No Enigma, My Mother
Insightful Conversations Inspired by Phish
Andrew: “At some point Phish will do a concert of JUST animal songs.”
Eric: “Let’s see, do they have enough? ‘Run Like an Antelope,’ ‘Vultures,’ ‘Possum,’ ‘Lizards…’
Andrew: “‘Ghost!'”
Eric: “Um, what animal is in ‘Ghost?'”
Andrew: “A ghost…”
The Chef’s Secret
Last night we’re all sitting on the couch enjoying Zack’s world-famous banana bread.
Me: “This really is the best thing I’ve ever had. And I don’t even like banana bread.”
Zack: “Well, this is actually an existing recipe, I just put my own secret twist on it.”
Me: <shoving more forkfuls in my pie hole>
Zack: “I double the butter.”
“Zack, is your shirt written in Chinese?”
— Andrew, 100% serious.
We had been drinking.
“The fact that you guys don’t play music on the beach makes me want to kill myself.”
— Eric, dramatically disapproving of the way this family vacations.
We Know
“I don’t know how to tell you this but…I think your brother might be a lesbian.”
— Eric, listening to Jeremy’s playlist of folksy cover artists.
It’s hard to vacation without the essentials
Sitting on the beach in complete and utter silence, reading our books. Then, out of nowhere…
Zack: “I really miss my bidet.”
(No response from any of us)
Zack: “Living without a bidet is fucking chaos. It’s so primitive.”
(Still no response)
Zack: “Might as well wipe my ass with a banana leaf.”
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