Watching “The Murder of Laci Peterson” on A&E…
Me: “See, the husband definitely killed her. You don’t refer to a loved one in the past tense if they’re just ‘missing.’ Like if I went missing for a month, you’d still talk about me as if I were alive– you’d have hope.”
Eric: “If you went missing for 24 hours I would KNOW you are dead.”
Me: “You’d assume after just ONE day that I’d been murdered!?”
Eric: “Oh, no one would murder you. You’d just be wandering around, unable to figure out what to do for dinner, and starve.”
That moment when you know so little about cooking that you have to google image search the kitchen-related engagement gift someone sent you so that you call it the right thing in the thank you note.
The problem with my wedding dress hanging on a door in our compact apartment for the next few months is that given Eric’s newfound meat-dehydrating hobby, there is a 99% chance the dress, and therefore I, will smell like beef jerky on our wedding day.
“I would only love you more.” — Eric
Arriving at tutoring client’s apartment…
Parent: “L’shana tova! Did you celebrate Rosh Hashana last night?”
Me: “Why thank you! Yes, I did celebrate!”
Parent: “That’s great. Which temple did you go to?”
Oh. No, no.
I just meant that I ate brisket.
Last night we’re all sitting on the couch enjoying Zack’s world-famous banana bread.
Me: “This really is the best thing I’ve ever had. And I don’t even like banana bread.”
Zack: “Well, this is actually an existing recipe, I just put my own secret twist on it.”
Me: <shoving more forkfuls in my pie hole>
Zack: “I double the butter.”
Eric surprised me with a 4th of July themed breakfast in bed (dairy-free acai bowl with grain-free granola, chia seeds, almonds and strawberries. #paleolife), while I slept for 13 hours straight and woke up feeling too lazy and unmotivated to pour myself a coffee. Thank you for this freedom, forefathers!
Me: “But…where’s the blue?”
Eric: “Blueberries were six bucks. You don’t get any. Eat your breakfast.”
Happy 4th, everyone!
Partly inspired by a scale that told him he gained 9 pounds in the past week, and partly due to my constant complaints of feeling fat, Eric convinced me to try a “Paleo Restart” 30-day program with him.
Even though he discovered this morning that the scale was wrong (um, obviously. 9 pounds in one week? #science), and despite the fact that I didn’t actually want to DO anything about feeling fat, I just wanted him to respond “That’s crazy, you’re not fat! It’s fine to eat that 9th Hershey Nugget!” (um, obviously. #science) he’s still super into the program. Plus, we already paid the $35 for it. So fine.
I went to sleep last night totally on board to start this weekend, but then this morning had a horrifying realization.
Oh, yeah. Why didn’t I think of that?
PROBABLY BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE EGG SALAD, MUCH LESS MAKE THE FUCKING MAYO FOR EGG SALAD.
Due to Eric having diabetes and a general understanding of what humans should eat, he has had a very positive influence on my diet.
Andrew is ruining everything.