Me (to myself, in the mirror): “Ok, this [insert any unsightly skin imperfection– zit, wrinkle, mole, scar] is really bothering me, but I’m sure it’s one of those things that only I notice, and it’s totally imperceptible to everyone else.” (Vow not to focus on it. Convince self it’s not even there.)
10 minutes later, wake Nora up.
Nora: <Opens eyes. Immediately zooms in on skin imperfection with sniper-like focus. Lunges at it with two hands. Slaps it. Twists it between her little devil fingers. Tries to yank it off. Bites at it. Cackles maniacally.>
Therapist: “I’m starting to notice this about you– you tend to start things from a place of assumed failure. You approach new things, even new conversations, or small tasks, as something you’re going to screw up. And immediately starting from this assumption puts you in a space of feeling defensive, like you constantly have to prove yourself. And that’s why it’s so hard for you to get started with things. And, quite frankly, why you’re so exhausted.”
Me: <stunned silence>
Therapist: “Big ‘Aha!’ moment for you?”
Me: “It took you 7 years to notice this about me?!”
It’s literally the one thing I was born knowing about myself
Whenever someone gives me a compliment, I automatically assume they are drunk.
I know, this doesn’t say much about my self esteem. So I am working on it.
I’m trying to get to a place where, when people say something nice to me, I truly believe they are being genuine. That I am a good person, and people can recognize and point out my positive qualities without being under the influence of a ton of alcohol.
And the fact that they’re always throwing up right after– that’s just a coincidence.