Tag Archives: teacher problems
Sometimes I Forget That Kids Don’t Know Anything
Kid: “What does bio-diversity mean?”
Me: “Well, do you know what diversity means?”
Kid: “Of course.”
Me: “Ok, so that’s a clue as to what bio-diversity means.”
Kid: “So…like, a a place where living divers live?”
Me: “Ummm. Perhaps I should have asked what you think diversity means…”
Kid: “A city of divers. Divers-city.”
Me: “Ok. Take a seat. Let’s start from square 1.”
You Know You’ve Lost Perspective When…
…you’re SUPER excited for this 4th grade Colonial America choral concert because at least it’s not a 3rd grade recorder concert.
This must be how you parents out there feel ALL THE DAMN TIME.
Your Mom is a Selfish Windbag
Us (to kid who looks blatantly ill): “Do you feel ok?”
Kid: “No. I have the flu.”
Us: “Then why are you here?!?”
Kid: “My mom said if I have too many absences I won’t get into middle school.”
Kid: “No. I have the flu.”
Us: “Then why are you here?!?”
Kid: “My mom said if I have too many absences I won’t get into middle school.”
A few things:
1. If you don’t get into middle school, it will be because you gave us the flu, and so we permanently branded you the dirty, germy kid. This will be the first line of your middle school recommendation letter. We might even add in that you smell. Not because it’s true, but because we hate your mom.
2. Tomorrow, we will send a big ball of phlegm to your mother’s office, which will sit on her desk all day, slowly oozing around her workspace and contaminating everything and everyone. Tit for tat, lady.
3. Leave this room. Now. (He did. And went to the nurse. Who took his temperature. Which was over 100 degrees.)
4. We know it’s not YOUR fault. We do like you a little less, though. I’m sorry. It’s just what happens.
5. Feel better, kiddo!
Maybe This is Why I’m Sick
Me (while tutoring, trying to open kid’s magazine to the assigned homework article): “Hmmm…it seems these pages are stuck together.”
Kid: “Yeah. Probably a booger.”
Annnnd I’m out.
Right. Or They Peacefully Resolve It.
Reading a story in which the two main characters are fighting, I urge the kid to make a prediction about the outcome.
Me: “So let’s think…what are some things that usually happen in real life after two people get into a disagreement?”
Kid: “Divorce. Or a knife fight.”
Remind me not to raise my kids here.
Serious Potential
In a lesson about classifying units of measurement…
Co-teacher: “So ounces and pounds measure WEIGHT. What do inches, centimeters, and feet measure?”
Student (raising hand enthusiastically): “Stuff!”
My co teacher was extremely concerned. But if you ask me, he answered the question (and not technically incorrectly, I might add), while staying extremely vague and noncommittal.
This kid is our future president.
My Students Were Worried About Me
Student 1: “Miss Emily! Feeling better?”
Other 29 students: <silence. No acknowledgment of my existence.>
It’s good to be back.
Things I Will Say At Work Tomorrow
- “Yes. This hazmat suit is necessary.” (said to confused principal)
- “I don’t care that the hazmat suit is scaring you.” (said to kids)
- “Stop. Hands up. Now twirl!” (said to first kid who enters classroom, who will then be sprayed head to toe in Lysol)
- “Next! Stop and twirl!” (said to each successive kid)
- “Wear this.” (said to each kid, while handing them a SARS mask, a fanny pack of hand sanitizer, and a pin that says “BEWARE– I’m disgusting.”)
- “GO HOMMMMMMMMME!” (said to any kid who sniffles, coughs, or looks even remotely gross. So all of them.)
- “Throw that out, immediately.” (referring to kid’s shirt, after he wipes his nose on it)
- “Cut that off, now!” (referring to kid’s arm, after he wipes his nose on it)
- “Are you SERIOUS?” (referring to kid who wipes his nose on the classroom rug because I HAVE SEEN THIS HAPPEN)
- “How is this my life?!” (said to God, over and over)
- <silence> (God, ignoring me. Plotting my next illness.)
Kids Are Literal
After reading the fable “Why the Bear Has a Short Tail,” a story about a bear who constantly bragged about his long, beautiful tail and then ended up losing it…
Me: “So what’s the lesson in this story?”
Kid: “Do not brag about your tail, or an otter will trick you and your tail will end up freezing off in a giant ice pond.”
Me: “Ok, but I mean the BROADER lesson.”
Kid: “What do you mean, broader?”
Me: “Like a lesson that a human could apply to his or her life.”
Kid (thinks for a second): “If you’re a human, and you have a tail, do not brag about your tail, or an otter will trick you and your tail will end up freezing off in a giant ice pond.”
(Sits back, crosses arms, completely satisfied with self)
Emily's Posts 