7th Grader: “We’re wearing the same jeans I think.”
Me: “Oh, look at that– we are! That’s cool!”
7th Grader: “For you.”
Tag Archives: teaching
AFTER That
I’m tutoring a middle schooler for an important test she will take at the end of the year. She is super anxious about it, so I promise her I will have her fully prepared.
Kid: “Ok but what if you just, like, up and die before the test? THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!”
Me: “Ok, well. I certainly do not plan to die this year. But if I did– which I won’t– well, I suppose you could start by feeling sad about the sudden and tragic loss of your dear tutor and friend.”
Kid: “Oh– right, yes. OF COURSE. Sorry. Of course I’d feel sad.”
(silence)
Kid: “But like, AFTER that…?”
She KNEW it!!
Giving a kid a spelling test on homophones, I provide sentences for context. So for sun/son, I say:
“The SUN is shining brightly.”
“My SON is still a young baby.”
Kid: 
Me: “Excuse me?”
Kid: “My mom said your baby was a girl but I always see the picture on your phone and I told her it’s not a girl it’s DEFINITELY a boy! Like he’s the most boy-looking boy ever!”
Me: “That sentence was just to give context for your spelling test– it wasn’t true. I don’t have a son. I have a daughter.”
Kid: “Oh.”
(awkward silence)
Kid: “She’s VERY pretty.”
Ebola Mom, Part 89
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
So Pretty!
Kid: “Wow, you look so pretty!”
Me (admittedly blushing): “Oh my goodness thank you that’s so unexpected but so sweet!”
Kid (confused): “It wasn’t a compliment, but ok.”
Me: “Telling me I’m pretty isn’t a compliment?”
Kid: “Sweaty.”
Me: “What?”
Kid: “I didn’t say you looked pretty, I said you looked sweaty.”
Me: “Oh.”
Kid: “You did that thing my mom always says I do.”
Me: “What’s that?”
Kid: “Hearing what you want to hear.”
Me: “Hahah yeah I guess so!”
I hate you.
Ebola Mom, Part 87
Starts With an F
Completing sentences with words from a word bank. One of the words is “friend.”
Me: “It’s always nice to make a new….”
Kid: <blank stare>
Me: “Starts with an ‘f’…”
Kid: “FUCK.”
He’s not wrong.
Like My Toilet
Kid: “You smell like my toilet.”
Me: “Excuse me? That’s not a very nice thing to say.”
Kid: “But it’s true though!”
Me: “Do your math.”
One hour later, after I use his bathroom and notice he has the same hand lotion on his toilet that I use.
Me: “Wait! So did you mean I smell like that lotion you keep on your toilet?”
Kid: “Yeah. That’s what I said– you smell like my toilet.”
Me: “There’s a better way to say that.”
Kid: “Oh, sorry.”
(pause)
Kid: “You smell the SAME as my toilet.”
Bilingual
My sister: “It’s great having a nanny from Colombia because now Tyler is learning to speak Spanish.”
Me: “Yeah I mean that’s cool and all but anyone can learn Spanish– they teach that in school. Thanks to my nanny Nora will learn to speak…
(googles language of Trinidad)
Oh.
Goddamnit.
It’s Nice to Share
When Nora is playing and another kid wants her toy:
Me (in sing-song voice): “It’s ok, Nora. You can share. It’s nice to share! Sharing is caring, remember? Let’s sing a song about sharing! 
”
Eric takes a crouton from my salad…
Me: 
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