in 5…4…3…2…
The good news is that it can NOT be spread by human contact.
The bad news is that Batshit McGee will NOT understand this.
Side note: the symptoms are headache, fatigue, and confusion– so I’ve either had this disease my entire damn life, or I wouldn’t even notice if I DID contract it.
Win-win!
Look where they’re getting their information!
Here’s a book my baby nephew is currently “reading” (Sucking on. Licking. Trying to put inside my nose. Then losing interest and trying to put his fist inside my nose.)
No wonder he stares at me blankly, line of drool slowly zig-zagging down his chin, whenever I ask him to hand me my phone. The kid is so fucking confused!
Shame on you, American children’s book publishers.
It’s like you WANT China to win.
When you’re writing your speech for your co-teacher’s rehearsal dinner and it’s 12pm on a Wednesday, it’s pretty important to be drunk on homemade cocktails.
You know, similar to how we teach our students to approach the writing process.
#thisspeechwontmakesense
Barista: “The usual?”
Me: “No, I already had that this morning. Now I just want a frappacino. It’s a 2-coffee kind of day.”
Barista: “I hear ya. Monday!”
Me: “Yes! Ok, well, no. I’m on summer break. I’m told I’m not allowed to complain.”
Barista: “Oh please, teachers can complain all they want. Your job is HARD. And exhausting. You need the summer!”
Me: “Wow, thank you! I really appreciate you saying that. Most non-teachers don’t get that. Seriously. That made my day.”
Barista: “Absolutely! And stay tuned, Starbucks is doing a ‘Teacher Appreciation’ week when you guys start up again in September!”
And just when I was starting to like you, you mentioned September.
Jackhole.
Kid: “This meal is obviously over-cooked.”
A graduating 5th grader, who I taught in Kindergarten, 1st, and 3rd grades, stopped by my classroom, said hello to me, reached into a giant bag of thank you cards and fished around until he finally found the one he came to deliver.
And then he promptly handed it to my classroom paraprofessional (who did not even notice him because she was, as usual, deeply entrenched in her erotica novel.)
Because the card was for her. Not for me.
The kid made that very clear when he looked at me, looked at her, looked back at me and said “This is for Miss Mary.”
Then he left without saying goodbye.
Kid: “Why are we watching Frozen?”
Me: “Because we are in the midst of a ‘social issues’ unit, and this movie beautifully illustrates the human struggle to fit in.”
Because it’s hot in here.
Today the NYC Department of Ed added Pandora and Netflix to their list of banned websites. Already on this list is every single shopping website, including Amazon.com, where all of us teachers have our class supply wish lists.
Co-worker: “All shopping sites of any kind are banned. It’s like jail.”
Kid: “No, you can shop online in jail.”
Right. Of course you can.
I’m doing the best I can, kids.
“I didn’t feel like it.”
— Kid, when asked why he didn’t come to school on time.
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