(Continuation of This New Guy and This New Guy, Part 2 )
There’s no better feeling than when you’re both on the exact same page ❤
All posts by Emily
It Worries Me That She Didn’t Say “No”
This New Guy, Part 2
A Different Kind of Disaster
As a government worker, I often get alerts on my phone during emergencies, providing me with instructions for how I can help. For example, during Hurricane Sandy, I was sent alerts for volunteer opportunities at local schools and shelters. I really appreciated this, even though my response to these alerts (doing absolutely nothing, and carrying on with my day) might indicate otherwise.
So last night, my phone was on the table and I saw, from a distance, something about a blizzard alert. Being the concerned citizen that I am, I immediately got up and ran to my phone to see how bad things were.
Well. Turns out they’re pretty fucking bad.
Oh ok. NOT really a blizzard at all. Got it.
Meteorology: Making my Magic-8 Ball seem legit since 1982.
A Golden Opportunity
This blizzard seems like the perfect opportunity to join Tinder, as it is a known fact that anything you do during a blizzard cannot be held against you in a court of public opinion about the state of your life*.
*public opinion includes family**
**family includes you, Mom***
***Someone please explain Tinder to my mom****
****You know what? Maybe don’t.*****
*****Mom– Tinder is a place where nice, rich, Jewish men go to find intelligent, head-strong, confident women who absolutely don’t NEED a man but regardless would be fine settling down with a guy who likes wine and Tina Fey and buying diamonds and going to the Breakers in Palm Beach every winter.******
******I know, it’s a weirdly specific site.
This New Guy
Or life?
No One Ever Taught Me How to Prepare For a Disaster
Just now, at the wine store….
Cashier (who is clearly my best friend): “Ah, there you are, Emily! I was wondering when you’d be coming by to stock up for the blizzard!”
Me: “Hah, I got here as soon as I could– had to hit the grocery store first!”
Cashier (eyeing my huge grocery bag): “You get some crackers? Bread? Chips?”
Me: “No…”
Cashier: “Canned goods?”
Me: “Oh. No. Didn’t think of that.”
Cashier: “Bottles of water? Batteries?”
Me: “No…”
Cashier: “So what IS in that bag?”
Me: “Sixteen rolls of toilet paper. And a wedge of brie.”
#ThingsJewsNeed
The More You Know
I just spent 10 minutes explaining the difference between “backwards” and “inside out.” Because if these kids fuck up the pajama-and-underwear-inside-out ritual tonight and screw us out of a snow day tomorrow, I’m going to be pissed.
#itsinyourhandsnowkids
#dontblowit
Accidents That Happen to Single People
So be careful out there, ladies.
