Dear Dog Playing Piano in My Upstairs Neighbor’s Apartment,

I can only assume you are a dog, at least. It’s the only explanation for the current assault on my ears (and music in general)– that a canine is upstairs desperately trying to work an instrument that is clearly made for humans. There is no other scenario in which a piano could make THAT unpleasant a sound. When I played piano, back in my early youth, even I did a better job than what is happening up there, and trust me when I say I was quite horrible. Even the day I puked all over the keys, my instructor, and my instructor’s fancy work suit (causing him to silently stand up and walk out of my home, never to return), I did better than what you’re doing up there, you goofy, delusional shih-tzu (there’s no question you are a shih-tzu, as they are THE WORST).

But, I will throw you this bone (Hah! Get it?!)– I am totally impressed by your ability to scream “god dammit!” or “fuck!” every time your paw slips on a key (which, coincidentally, is every time your paw moves at all).

Cursing is a cool human trick. Maybe stick to that one and lay off the piano.

Love,

Your Downstairs Neighbor Who is Home Sick but Now Actually Wishes She Was At Work