Tag Archives: online dating

Well This is Awkward

Guess they forgot the “L”…

flag day CMB

For the record, it wasn’t misspelled on the email I received, but I take comfort in knowing that SOMEONE out there received an email with the heading below (minus the L in flag). Because it’s sort of a perfectly amazing fuck up. (No, I don’t condone use of that word. EVER. But I do condone honest mistakes that create super awkward scenarios where everyone feels weird).

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Clear Eyes, Full Heart….Impressive Dedication to a Lie

Last night, over a glass of wine…

“So I have to confess something. I had never seen Friday Night Lights until I met you.”

— guy I’ve been dating for 2 months, who, ever since we met, has pretended to be a long-time fan of the show because he has the same first and last name as my favorite character and I was SO excited about it (admittedly WAYYYY TOO excited. He really had no choice but to lie).

Our first text convo:

FNL

He has spent the past 2 months secretly watching the entire series for the first time. Just finished it last night.

Now THAT’s clear eyes and a full heart.

Or just absurd.

Either way….can’t lose.

Mixed Messages

That moment when you’re away for the weekend and a guy you’ve been dating randomly texts you a photo of him and some chick canoodling on a balcony watching a sunset, so you spend the next 20 minutes analyzing why the fuck he would send this to you, and how you’re supposed to respond, and what the hell is wrong with him– with ALL men, really. 

Then you realize the chick in the photo is you. 

So sweet, guys! 

Sassy Pedicurist: This is Good Decision

(Part of the Sassy Pedicurist series)

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Just popped into the nail place…

Me: “Hi there! Do you have time to give me a quick eyebrow wax?”
Sassy: “Not now. You come back in one hour.”
Me: “Eek, I can’t. I’m going out tonight, and have to leave kind of soon.”
Sassy: “You have date tonight?”
Me: “Yes…”
Sassy (staring at my eyebrows): “Wax is good decision. I do you now. Come.”
Me: “Thank you!”
Sassy: “Yes. Good eyebrow important for date.”

(long pause)

Sassy: “We do bikini too.”

The Guy Who LARPed, Part 2

(Continuation of The Guy Who LARPed )

larping

The second time I went out with the LARPer (because oh yes, there was a second date), he showed up wearing what can only be described as shower shoes. You know those blue, waterproof Adidas sandals you wore in the shower at sleep-away camp, that by the end of the summer would be completely worn in, torn, slightly moldy, and smell like garbage?

He wore those.

I don’t even usually notice men’s footwear, but I swear to god these were emanating a stench that rocked me to the core. I thought about them the entire night.

I thought about the shoes as he ordered himself a cosmo in a Mexican restaurant (so you know that shit came with a tiny umbrella), and I thought about them as he regaled me with stories of his LARPing adventures (“I haven’t always played the monster, you know“). I thought about the shoes as he told me he makes a living by subletting his apartment to foreigners for 3 seasons out of the year and sleeping on his mom’s couch. “Why not in the summer, too?” I asked. Because in the summer he likes to be near Central Park.

For the LARPing.

I still thought about the shoes as he chewed with his mouth open and told me he doesn’t own a credit card (“Why would I?” he asked, as bits of cosmo-soaked guac flew from his mouth into my eye).

I thought about the shoes as he told me about his best friend, Leonard.

Leonard is a cat.

But mostly I thought about the shoes as he walked me home, stopped at my awning, and tried to kiss me goodnight. The doorman happened to be standing outside. He caught my “For the love of god, help me!” signal, but rather than doing so, he leaned against the wall of the building and essentially pulled out a bag of popcorn and a fountain soda.

The scene was as awkward as they come. He stopped and clumsily fished for my hand, which I attempted to hide in my pockets– only to discover, regrettably, that I didn’t have pockets. Then he went for it. I did the half turn, letting his lips land simultaneously on both my cheek and mouth. This had happened one other time in my life– when I was 13 and ran into my 60-year-old rabbi at the mall. We each went for the wrong cheek and ended up weirdly half-mouth kissing. It was mortifying and terrible.

But in this moment, I found myself missing Rabbi Weinberg.

Post-“kiss”, he attempted to say something, but I giddy-up U-turned for the door and ran inside. Literally. I ran. I ran like there was free Chipotle and I was…well…me.

Then, as I’m in the elevator, I get a text.

“I can do MUCH better than that kiss, but the doorman was killing my mojo.”

Oh, LARPer. Everything about you was killing my mojo, including your use of the word mojo. You literally could not have made yourself any less attractive in the past 3 hours, and no girl with any self-respect would even think about responding to this text.

I think we only went out one more time after that.

Famous People Problems

That moment when you’re on a 6th date with someone, and you’re wondering how you should tell him about the fact that you have a blog about dating (slash mental health…slash teaching…slash family…slash most details of your everyday existence). So you resolve to tell him soon, but first you want to go back and delete any weird posts he might be referenced in.

That subsequent moment when, as you’re thinking all this, a guy sitting at the next table from you and your date leans over and says, “Hi, sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt, but I think we went to high school together. I read your blog!”

So, yeah. He knows now.

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