Note:
Sternly asking “How would YOU feel if you had to bleed from your PENIS once a month?!?” does not win you points with the guy who just had ACL surgery.
Or, I’m now realizing, any guy.
At any time.
Ever.
Tag Archives: relationships
You Can’t Argue With Statistics
My Friends Are Totally Looking Out For Me
You’re a good friend.
But yeah. Fair.
Word-Predict Fail
That moment when the coworkers of the guy you’re dating send you a super helpful email with suggestions for Israel, so you message him on What’sApp to say that you “love love love them!”, but word-predict decides to do you a solid and you hit send before you realize.
I hate my life.
That romantic moment in a relationship when your iPhone automatically connects to his WiFi.
I Have Fans All Over Town
Nothing feels better than running right by your ex boyfriend in the park, giving a hearty hello, and being silently glared at in return.
He must read the blog, guys!
I’m Full of Brilliant Ideas
I just walked into my lobby alongside another young woman, who I’ve never seen before but who apparently lives in my building. We approach the mailboxes, and she points to a set of apartment keys dangling out of a mailbox.
Her: “You see those keys? That’s my husband.”
Me: (laughing) “That’s hilarious.”
Her: “Well the irony is, he would KILL me if I did something like that! I do absent minded stuff all the time and he’s so critical!”
Me: “Well then you should definitely take a photo of it and hold this over him until the end of time.”
Her (wide-eyed): “Oh my god, that’s SUCH a good idea!” (takes photo) “Brilliant. I take it you use this tactic with your husband?”
Me: “I don’t have a husband.”
Perhaps this is why.
Finally! I’m In “That Place”
I just went running in the park and saw my ex boyfriend. He was with a girl who I can only assume is his new girlfriend, as they looked flirty and happy. And maybe it was the endorphins or maybe it’s just that I’m in a better, more mature, secure place in my life, but as I watched them I couldn’t help but think “You know what? That’s great.”
Because he totally got fat.
#dodgedthatbullet
I Once Dated a Guy Who Called His Mom “Mommy”
End of story. Well, not END of story, but not the beginning of a story that is going anywhere good.
Sorry, guys. I’ve been sick and fairly isolated for over a week now and this is the shit that goes through my head when I try to force myself to rest.
Which is why I try not to rest too much.
Which might be why I’m always sick.
Whatever, at least I’m not whining about it to my MOMMY.
Anyway, the point of all this is…
Do you think that guy’s still single?
Any guy who loves his mom that much would definitely make me some chicken noodle soup.
Ok, sorry, that was absurd.
Matzoh ball soup.
Healthy Perspective I Gain From Watching “Sex And The City”
Watching a Sex And The City marathon and seeing Big treat Carrie like complete dog shit episode after episode, but knowing they end up living happily ever after, is giving me a really healthy and hopeful outlook on my love life.
I am now certain that that ex who could never quite verbalize his feelings for me will totally come around. Even though he told me, early and often, he was not in a “relationship place.” And he now lives across the country. And is married. With kids.
I can totally stop dating now, guys! It’s all happening!
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