I came across this random toddler on an episode of the Kardashians and couldn’t believe how much she looks like my nephew Tyler (the Boog). I was certain I could fool my mom.
Tag Archives: sibling dynamics
Nostalgia
The sibling text chain has decided to return to a simpler time, when presidential sexism was more subtle.
This Just Happened
Mom and I are in an uber on our way to wedding dress shop…
Uber Driver (to mom): “How many kids do you have?”
Mom: “Two.”
Me: “Ummm. No. Four.”
Mom: “Oh my god I forgot about the boys.”
What About Zack?
Discussing our upcoming family vacation to the Outer Banks….
Hello? Is Anybody Listening?
Last time I look to this crowd for a pat on the back.
(Insert hours of absolute dead radio silence)
Babysitters of the Year, Part 2
“Clue”– Jewish Mom Version
There was a shooting at Montgomery Mall, which is less than 5 minutes from my parents’ house. Nobody had heard from Mom.
What ensued was the world’s jewiest game of Clue.
Then, hours later, Mom, unable to figure out the tricky mechanics of group texting (she has an iPhone), sent this to just Jeremy:
Case closed.
Not only is Mom alive, she lives a way better life than the rest of us.
“Like…fucking…IMMEDIATELY.”
For the past year, Jeremy has been asking me to post the following voicemail from Zack, because it is absurd.
I personally agree that it’s hilarious, but I felt it was funny only if you actually know Zack, (and all his “Zack-isms”), and know Jeremy (and all his “What-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you-isms.”) Bottom line– I’m not sure it’s entertaining if you don’t know our family.
“Dude. You could say that about literally 100% of your posts about us,” Jeremy replied.
Ok yeah.
So here you go.
A few things to know before listening:
- Zack called Jeremy and left this voicemail after coming home to Potomac, getting into Jeremy’s (constantly filled with endless amounts of crap) car and finding several overdue parking tickets. This was at the time when Jeremy was living in the basement. So let’s just say the family was on high “will-this-kid-ever-get-his-shit-together?!” alert. Jeremy has since moved out of the basement, so the answer to that question is “sort of.”
- I am not endorsing or condoning the word “retard.” I wish Zack had chosen any other greeting. That being said, this is the only time I’ve heard the term used and thought “Yeah. That works.” But if you’re offended, try replacing it with “asshat,” or “douchecanoe.”
- Zack is the younger brother (and youngest in the family). Keep that in mind as you listen. It makes his “lecture” subtly more hilarious.
- Chelsey was Jeremy’s girlfriend at the time. She was phenomenal, and my whole family loved her (that has nothing to do with the voicemail, I just fucking miss her.)
- Hang in there ’til the end. The casual, happy-to-help closing is gold.
Enjoy.
Cool Story, Hansel
Later….
Boys Are Gross
My 4th grade student told me about her slightly older brother having a sleepover with his friends at their apartment.
Kid: “So I knew he was having a sleepover with all boys so OBVIOUSLY I made plans to sleep at my friend’s house.”
Me: “Oh, yeah. Wise move.”
Kid: “But then my friend got sick and I couldn’t go! So I had to be there with all the boys. AND IT WAS CHAOS.”
Me: “Oh, I can imagine! Boys can be wild.”
Kid: “Yeah but you don’t even understand. Before they went to bed…they did the grossest thing…”
Me: “I’m scared….”
Kid: “They ALL TOOK OFF THEIR SHIRTS.”
Me (relieved but feigning drama): “What?! NO! Their SHIRTS?!”
Kid: “I know. It. Was. DISGUSTING! Boys are soooo gross!!!”
Oh, girlfriend. Just you wait.
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