Look where they’re getting their information!
Here’s a book my baby nephew is currently “reading” (Sucking on. Licking. Trying to put inside my nose. Then losing interest and trying to put his fist inside my nose.)
No wonder he stares at me blankly, line of drool slowly zig-zagging down his chin, whenever I ask him to hand me my phone. The kid is so fucking confused!
Shame on you, American children’s book publishers.
It’s like you WANT China to win.
Me (watching a person scroll through her Instagram): “Woah woah woah– you can ‘like’ a photo on Instagram just by double-clicking the photo? I thought you had to hit the ‘like’ button.”
Person: “Oh my god, are you serious? Yes. Everyone knows this.”
Person is 11.
Yesterday a dear friend of mine, Kristen, told me she got engaged. Since Kristen is close with my entire family, I immediately passed the news on via the family group text chain…
Dear Auto-Correct,
I solemnly swear that there is no circumstance in which I have ever meant, or will ever mean, “duck” or “ducking.”
So stop it. You are being the opposite of helpful. In fact, go ahead and eliminate those two words from your lexicon entirely.
I realize that there might be a day when I regret this request, such as when I am caught in an air missile strike or am being pecked to death by pond wildlife, but that’s a risk I am willing to take.
Besides, fuck and fucking will work just fine in both those situations.
Thanks,
Emily
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