While playing a math game in partnerships…
“Miss Emily!!! <screaming and maniacally waving hands> My partner is cheating!!!!”
–my classroom paraprofessional, age 60.
Her partner is 10.
She was dead serious. I literally had to help resolve the matter.
This school year needs to end.
We asked kids to write their own division problems. Here’s what one kid wrote:
“There are 265 gift certificates to eat at Daniel. 12 kids in 4th grade split the certificates equally. How many gift certificates to Daniel will each kid get?”
This is Daniel.
I’ve never been.
I can’t afford it.
(Part of the #june series)
Kid: “Why do we have to learn this?”
Me: (no answer. Can’t hear through my headphones.)
#june
Sang some nursery rhymes to my baby nephew last night…
Me: “Patty cake, patty cake, baker’s man….bake me a cake as fast as you can….rollllllllllll it….
(long, confused pause)
Me: “Do something elllllllllse to it….”
Brother in law: “Pat it! You gotta PAT it!”
Yeah, well, fuck this. Auntie Em doesn’t bake.
That moment when you’re away for the weekend and a guy you’ve been dating randomly texts you a photo of him and some chick canoodling on a balcony watching a sunset, so you spend the next 20 minutes analyzing why the fuck he would send this to you, and how you’re supposed to respond, and what the hell is wrong with him– with ALL men, really.
Then you realize the chick in the photo is you.
So sweet, guys!
A man on the Hamptons jitney (where you’ll find only the classiest of NYC citizens) just snapped at me for talking too loudly. No, he didn’t politely ask me to be quieter, he turned around, looked at me with disgust, and said “Can you be quiet?”
I wasn’t talking that loudly. Also, we’ve been on this bus for 4 fucking hours and I’ve been silent the entire time minus 5 minutes, while this guy has been coughing like an asthmatic chain smoker. Which I have allowed to happen without comment because a) I’m not a dick and b) I was 90% concerned he might be dying (the 10% unconcerned part won out when it came to offering help, though).
I guess what I’m getting at here is– am I allowed to kick this 60+ year old man in the head?
Kid: “I’m really tired.”
Me: “Did you eat breakfast?”
Kid: “Yeah I had a donut.”
Me: “Well I’m not sure that was the most responsible choice, now was it?”
Last night I ate delivery-ordered mozzerella sticks that for some reason arrived completely hollow, so we scooped cheese off a slice of pizza and shoved it inside the empty fried sticks. That was dinner.
But seriously– a donut? Get it together, kid.
A 5th grader knocks on my door during my prep.
Kid: “Hi, can we borrow you for an experiment?”
Me: “What kind of experiment?”
Kid: “We want to see how far every teacher in the school can jump on one foot.”
Wow, 5th grade teachers. You’ve really just thrown in the towel I see.
“Eat bush”
— kid’s answer to the science test question “What does an animal need in order to survive?”
The correct answer was “food.”
We gave him full credit, plus a bonus point.
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