Let the one-armed, ass-out hugs from 4th grade boys commence!
All posts by Emily
This Geographically-Challenged Guy
He never responded. I think I was the first to tell him.
Should I Be Concerned?
Today in our tutoring session, we cut out and labeled arrays in order to practice multiplication. The kid had a pair of kid scissors, so I asked if she had a pair of adult scissors that I could use. She ran over to the kitchen sink and came back with a pair of meat shears.
Me: “Ummm… I’m no cooking expert, but I think these are supposed to be used for cutting meat.”
Kid: “Yeah well my mom doesn’t use them for that. She uses them to cut paper.”
Me (taking the shears): “Ok, if you’re SURE she uses them for paper…”
Kid: “Yeah trust me. Either that or she takes them into the bathroom. I don’t know WHAT she does in there.”
Putting down the meat shears now.
A Rolex I Can Afford
Kid: “My dad just had a birthday.”
Me: “Oh yeah? Did you get him a nice gift?”
Kid: “Sure did. A Rolex.”
Me: “Wow. That IS a nice gift. How were you able to afford a Rolex? Because I would LOVE to be able to afford a Rolex.”
Kid: “It didn’t cost a thing.”
Me: “I’m confused.”
Kid: “I drew an X on a baseball. Then I rolled it to him.”
Me: (head in hands)
Kid: “I can get you one too if you want.”
Me: “I do not want one.”
Kid: “But you said you wanted a Rolex!”
Me: “Kid, listen to me and listen well– I do NOT want a baseball with an X on it. Do you understand?”
Kid: “Got it.”
Me: “Great.”
Kid (to his friend, as I walk away): “I’m SO going to give her a tennis ball with an X on it.”
Things That Are Misleading Our Nation’s Youth
Kid: “So I have a question.”
Me: “Shoot.”
Kid: “Does, like, EVERY kiss really begin with Kay?”
Me: “Absolutely not.”
Kid: “Ok good. It seems like that would get expensive.”
That’s How It’s Done
Apparently there was some kind of impromptu issue on my street this morning, so traffic cops came to block off my road. I guess they didn’t have any more traffic cones or manpower, so they did it by lining up 4 city trash cans across my street, spacing them in a way that made it impossible to drive through.
As I exited my building, I watched as a harrowed woman drove right up to the trash cans and, holding a cigarette in one hand, used her free hand to drag two of the huge metal trash cans far enough apart that she could get through. She then put out her cigarette, spit on the ground, got back in her car, and drove right through the blocked off street.
I fucking love this city.
My Finest Hour
That moment when you run out of tissues, toilet paper, Starbucks napkins and paper towels, so you’re forced to blow your ever-running nose into THIS cocktail napkin.
And yeah, I know. I too hope I don’t have to use the bathroom before morning.
My Parents Took Me to See “Pretty Woman” in Theaters When I Was 8
…and for years, I thought THAT was how you played the piano.
So you can imagine my trepidation the day a male piano teacher showed up at my house to give me my first private lesson.
Did I Ever Tell You You’re My Hero?
For homework, we asked the kids to interpret the lyrics to “Wind Beneath My Wings.”
Kid 1 took it to a whole new level and decided to download and watch the movie “Beaches” in order to get more context. He then explained the lyrics of the song in terms of “Whitney and Bette’s friendship,” hypothesizing that “Whitney didn’t care to be famous, she just wanted to help Bette be a star and be there for her as a friend– in other words, be her strength, like the song says.” Naturally, I got teary-eyed reading this essay because seriously what IS it about that movie?! (Side note: sorry to that kid’s parents for introducing him to a movie with themes of early death and infidelity. I hope he’s not as scarred as I was when my parents took me to see Pretty Woman in theaters when I was 8, presumably because they couldn’t find a babysitter).
And then, Kid 2:
“It’s about a bird. With wings.”
This Kid Should Read My Blog
Me: “Oh, you’re learning to play the flute? I used to play the flute in elementary school.”
Student: “Yeah. I’m not that good at it, though.”
Me: “You’ll get better. It takes practice. And if it makes you feel better, I wasn’t so great at it either.”
Student (genuine surprise): “YOU weren’t good at something?”
Oh, kid. You don’t know me at all.
