All posts by Emily
I Totally Get It, Brian Williams
Everyone needs to lay off Brian Williams. Who DOESN’T lie at work?!
- “This is the most interesting Colonial America expository I’ve ever read!” (not possible)
- “I don’t understand why you think it’s so funny when I read the words ‘Moby Dick.'” (I do. I get it. You’re 9.)
- “I’m not upset that you’re sick, I’m upset that you’re not covering your mouth when you cough.” (I’m VERY upset that you’re sick– GO HOME!)
- “The Handwriting-Detective app on my iPhone will help me figure out who wrote ‘sex’ on this post it note, so I suggest you just confess.” (Handwriting app doesn’t exist, but I already know the culprit, as only one of you knows what sex is.)
- “I respect your parents’ decision not to let you wear deodorant, and I don’t at all wish I could handcuff them to a table in this classroom on days we have gym first period.” (I make this plea to god every Thursday)
- “This math lesson is going to be interesting AND fun!” (a quick two-lies-in-one)
- “I missed you over the summer!” (I feel like you’re not even buying this one, so I’m not sure why I keep saying it)
- “Everything we do in this classroom is important!” (It’s not. It’s just not. Composite vs. prime numbers? No. Who cares. You’re fine.)
Although I suppose one could argue that I, too, should be fired…
The Sweetest <3
It’s really just the cutest, sweetest thing when my guy friends check in on me when I’m sick.
Chapstache
Sitting here blowing my nose over and over, I can feel the beginnings of a chapstache– you know, when the entire area between your nose and mouth becomes raw and chafed? And this reminds me of a really bad stretch I had, years ago, when I was constantly sick and the chapstache literally lasted three seasons. I was in a relationship at the time, and each night when my boyfriend and I got into bed, in an attempt to heal myself in the sleeping hours, I would dig my entire hand into a huge vat of vaseline and smother it all over my face, making sure to cover all surrounding areas, most importantly my nostrils and chin.
I still can’t figure out why we broke up.
Ebola Mom, Part 11
An Open Letter to the Dog Playing Piano Upstairs
Dear Dog Playing Piano in My Upstairs Neighbor’s Apartment,
I can only assume you are a dog, at least. It’s the only explanation for the current assault on my ears (and music in general)– that a canine is upstairs desperately trying to work an instrument that is clearly made for humans. There is no other scenario in which a piano could make THAT unpleasant a sound. When I played piano, back in my early youth, even I did a better job than what is happening up there, and trust me when I say I was quite horrible. Even the day I puked all over the keys, my instructor, and my instructor’s fancy work suit (causing him to silently stand up and walk out of my home, never to return), I did better than what you’re doing up there, you goofy, delusional shih-tzu (there’s no question you are a shih-tzu, as they are THE WORST).
But, I will throw you this bone (Hah! Get it?!)– I am totally impressed by your ability to scream “god dammit!” or “fuck!” every time your paw slips on a key (which, coincidentally, is every time your paw moves at all).
Cursing is a cool human trick. Maybe stick to that one and lay off the piano.
Love,
Your Downstairs Neighbor Who is Home Sick but Now Actually Wishes She Was At Work
Things I Think as I Sit Here Miserable With Cold and Fever
I’ll let you know what she comes up with. (And no, Siri, I do NOT want to tap and edit “bastards.” That’s the exact word I want to use. Stop judging me.)
Today’s Match
And then there are those who make their sexual preferences clear right there in their profile photo.
Emails From My Brothers #6: If You’ve Never Been to Nordstrom With Dad…
(Part of the Emails From My Brothers series)
The following sibling email exchange takes place about a year ago, while Jeremy was a grad student living at home with my parents. For reference (if you’re new here, or if you’re like me and just never remember anything and therefore appreciate a helpful glossary):
Jeremy = younger brother
Zack = youngEST brother
Andrew = brother in law
Steph = older sister
Note that Steph is included on this email chain but contributes absolutely nothing. This is typical.
The emails/replies are posted in order. Start with this one at the top and just scroll down.
Thanks for the Bonus, Department of Education!
Just got this check in the mail. I am literally too embarrassed to deposit it. Even with my iPhone. Like I don’t want the Bank of America app to know this is my life.
