Love is screaming “I WATCH FOOTBALL WITH YOU ALL SEASON!!!!!” while you crank the volume on The Bachelorette 3-hour season finale as he wildly protests.
“I can do that. That’s easy.”
Good thing we didn’t call Dexter. That would have been a supreme waste of time and money!
Eric went out and bought the wall anchors. Then Sunday came, and we had everyone over for dinner.
Zack (looking at the mirror): “Oh dude. That seems like a lot of work right now.”
The mirror has not been hung.
I Did It!
I got my gmail inbox down to zero!!!!!!
NOBODY EVER FUCKING EMAIL ME AGAIN THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Aunthood
One day, my sister and brother-in-law are going to mistake my real ignorance for this sarcastic ignorance, and they’re going to give the ok and I’m going to go right on ahead and get their kid stoned.
Just Another Day at the NYC Grocery Store
Eric: “I bought a ring mold.”
Me: “Oooooh! Say more!”
Eric: “Not, not that kind of ring. A ring mold. It’s for food. You use it to–”
Me: “I lost interest.”
Balls
“A ball! A ball! A ball!”
— My 1 year old nephew, while grabbing my stomach.
And when his hand moved to my boob, he stopped saying it.
Well You SHOULD
“Um, no, Ma’am. I’m sorry. We don’t sell anything like that.”
— Saleslady at Lester’s, when I explained that I’m babysitting my 1-year-old nephew tonight and would like to conduct an #ImWithHer photo shoot, and therefore will be needing a white pantsuit in his size.
Intellects Only
The best thing about having a brother with a Masters in political theory is that I always have someone with whom I can intellectually discuss this election.
#ImWithHer
HUGE fail that bitmoji isn’t offering a white pantsuit option this morning because this girl is feeling INSPIRED.
#besticoulddo
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