I just tried face-timing my nephew, but as soon as he saw me on the screen, he started whining.
Me: “Ugh. I’m hanging up. Call me back when he’s not annoying.”
Andrew: “Ok.”
It’s been 15 minutes.
Just realized it’ll be 15 years.

I just tried face-timing my nephew, but as soon as he saw me on the screen, he started whining.
Me: “Ugh. I’m hanging up. Call me back when he’s not annoying.”
Andrew: “Ok.”
It’s been 15 minutes.
Just realized it’ll be 15 years.

“No.”
— Kid, when I enthusiastically asked if she was ready and excited to learn.

Kid: “You talk funny.”
Me: “I know. I have what’s called a lisp. It makes it hard to say certain words. Like lisp.”
Kid: “No, not that. Well, also that.”
Me: “Cool.”
Kid: “But like…you sound like you have gum in your mouth.”
Me: “Ok, well. I don’t.”
Kid: “And you say ‘four’ weird.”
Me: “Do I?”
Kid: “Yes. My mom thinks it too.”
Me: “Well that’s nice…”
Kid: “She says it’s because you’re from Maryland. And people talk funny there.”
Your mom’s from STATEN ISLAND are you shitting me?

I really need some reassurance here because I totally feel like the Grinch who stole childhood. But this was justified, right?
Background: kid across the hall constantly plays soccer in the hallway. Literally uses people’s apartment doors as goals. Now that the weather is getting colder, these indoor soccer sessions are increasing, and lasting for hours. No, I have no idea why he isn’t in school. He’s at least 11 years old.


So parents out there, it’s ok that I went and ruined this kid’s fun, correct? I’m not a mean old cranky neighbor lady, right? It was justified, don’t you think?*
*In case the leading questions didn’t make this obvious, I am seeking agreement responses only. This is not a situation where I am interested in diverse opinions. Solely looking to avoid guilt tears as I sit here typing common-sore aligned math problems beneath the glow of my therapy lamp.
Kid who never completes the homework I leave for him proudly hands me his work…
Kid: “You’ll be so happy– I did ALL the homework!”
Me: “Fabulous!” (look at sheet. See it’s incomplete. Stare at child, confused)
Kid: “…that I had time for.”

A 5th grader I tutor, who is generally not one to open up about anything personal, expressed to me that he was really devastated by the results of the election, and that he found it personally hurtful that anyone would vote for a bully like Donald Trump. I told him that what he was feeling was the same thing half the country was feeling, and that he has every right to feel saddened by what has happened. I then decided to use his emotional experience as an opportunity for him to practice his writing skills. We were about to start a narrative piece, and I had prepared a topic that I thought he, in his classic boy-ness, would enjoy: “Imagine you have a superpower for a day.” Getting him to write can be a painful process and I knew he’d think this topic was fun. But given that he was grappling with all these emotions from the election, I proposed that instead he write about his experience of disappointment and anger (and perhaps he’d mature a bit in the process).
Me: “Writers are often inspired by what happens in their lives, and usually the most powerful pieces of writing come from a place of genuine, deep emotion. I think what you are experiencing right now would be perfect inspiration for a writing piece. And it will have the added benefit of making you feel better, because writing is often used as a way to express, and therefore move on from, experiences and emotions that upset us.”
Kid: (intrigued) “Wow, that’s a really good idea, actually. I like how you have all these smart ideas that I would never think of. I think I probably WOULD feel better if I wrote out all these feelings.”
Me: “Aw, fabulous! So how ’bout we start brainstorming some ideas?”
Kid: “Ok, cool! I’m going to do a web.”
(I search in my bag for a pencil as kid draws a web. When I look over, I see he has written ‘invisibility’ and ‘removing my head.’)
Me: “Wait. What do these things have to do with the election?”
Kid: “Oh, nothing. I’m writing about my superpower.”
Me: “But…wait…I thought you just said writing down your feelings about the election was a great, smart idea!”
Kid: “Well, yeah. It was. But I’d rather write a story about ripping my head off my neck and carrying it around in my hands. How cool would THAT be?!”

I came across this random toddler on an episode of the Kardashians and couldn’t believe how much she looks like my nephew Tyler (the Boog). I was certain I could fool my mom.


While assessing a Kindergartener’s math skills, I pull out some images of analog and digital clocks.
Kid: “Oh my gosh don’t even ask me this, I am an EXPERT on clocks. I know everything. I know the most about clocks.”
Me: “Ok, great! But let’s just double check.” <show a digital clock that says 7:30>
Kid: “Seventy-three o’clock.” (leans back, crosses arms, nods smugly) “I told you I’m the best at clocks.”
So…no, Trump Jr. You are very very bad at clocks.

(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
