Today I wanted to run:
Instead, I ran:
This all probably could have been avoided if I had just run the fucking loop.
Lesson learned.
Kid (super excited): “My friend and I wrote a whole thesis about why and how human blood can be used to power cars. Because blood has iron. We have a diagram and everything, and explain all the science behind it. We’ve been working on it for months. It’s like 20 pages long. Do you want to read it?”
Me: “DO I?!?”
No. I do not.
I’d actually rather you stab me repeatedly and use my blood to power said car.
If that’s an option.
I didn’t think this lesson needed to be explicitly taught, but when one of my smartest friends fell into this trap, I knew I must use this public forum to do all the ladies a favor and make this very clear.
(The first 5 texts– the smaller text bubbles– are a screen shot of a starting conversation my friend had with a guy from a dating app, which she sent to me). 
Last night, out at a bar…
Guy: “My birthday is coming up soon.”
Me: “Ah yes, I just had mine. The joys of aging!”
Guy: “I actually don’t mind it. I’m genuinely looking forward to turning 40.”
Me: “Yeah, well. That’s because you don’t have a uterus.”
Awkward chuckle. Slowly backs away. Moments later leaves bar entirely.
Friend, when I told him I have a date coming up with a guy who has the same name as a character on Friday Night Lights (my fave show of all time) on a FRIDAY night.
Kid: “My mom is definitely going to vote for Hillary Clinton. And my Dad said that you are definitely going to vote for her too.”
Me: “Why– because I’m a woman?”
Kid: “No. Because you’re poor.”
“Oh my god Miss Emily– you’re a beautiful woman!” –kid, when I returned from my lunch break wearing makeup.
Mental Note: Put more effort into self.
Also: Be nicer to said kid.
That moment when you text the wrong jewish Dan.
Me: “Make sure the cover of your test booklet says ‘2015 Common Core English Language Arts Test’ followed by ‘Grade 4, Form A.’ Raise your hand if your book does NOT say this.”
Kid (raising hand): “My book doesn’t say ‘followed by.'”
This is going to go well.
Kid (in complete unamused deadpan): “Happy first day of state testing.” (Looks at floor, puts head in hands)
Ah, young squire. I’ve taught you well.
Soon you’ll be saying such things over a plate of nachos salted with your own tears.
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