(part of the Emails From My Brothers series)
Jeremy was supposed to arrive at my apartment tonight between 5-6pm. He is coming from DC.
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Mixed Emotions
Kid: “How old are you? You look late 20s.”
Me: “You’re my new favorite person!”
Kid: “How bout Miss [coteacher]? She looks younger than you.”
I hate you.
You’ve Got It All Wrong
That moment when you’re getting ready for work and you look out your window and spot a woman who’s just got it all wrong. The outfit, the hair, the bag, the makeup, the expression on her face– everything is a giant hot mess. And you just want to reach out, give her a hug, and say “Come girl, let’s fix you.”
Wait, not a window. A mirror.
Last Night’s Date, Part 4
(Continuation of Last Night’s Date, Part 3 )
Wait NOW he thinks we’re still in a conversation?
Somebody get this guy a manual.
The First Time I Saw A Grown Man’s Penis
Remember that first time you saw a grown man’s penis? Remember how the sight of it caught you COMPLETELY off guard? And remember how it wasn’t just one penis, it was about 25 penises at once? Mere inches from your face? Flopping around to a catchy, upbeat musical jam? And you were 10?
Oh, ok, so your mother DIDN’T take you to see the Broadway musical Hair when you were in 5th grade.
Well. Lucky you.
When Male Friends Are Unhelpful
Me: “What’s a good way to get more blog followers?”
Guy: “Post a nude photo.”
Me: “Ok, like something I would actually do.”
Guy: “Waist-up nude photo.”
Me: “ACTUALLY. DO.”
Guy: “Photo between waist and neck. Nude.”
Me: “So…my boobs.”
Guy: “Yes.”
Me: “Ok, so again…ACTUALLY DO.”
Guy: “You won’t even do THAT?”
Me: “No! Besides, these boobs aren’t going to get any followers.”
Guy: “Yeah. Maybe someone else’s boobs. SAY they’re yours, though.”
My Friends Are Wise
Almost.
(In reference to the prankster) 
Last Night’s Date, Part 3
Even though I didn’t love his completely random and unnecessary virgin comment, I try to be open minded and was still totally willing to go on another date tonight, as our first date was decent.
Looks like someone got a little insecure. Maybe his ego will feel better now that he knows HE blew ME off.
For the love of God, where are the normal mature men? WHERE?!?
This first text comes the morning after said virgin prank. (Which, again. We can all agree was hilarious. 😒)
I’m going to go ahead and assume he really IS a virgin.
Not What I Was Craving
That moment when you’re proctoring a test in someone else’s classroom and you see a box that says “perishable, open upon arrival” and you get excited thinking it might be cookies, so you take a peek inside.
It’s a container of live crickets.
Professional Problems
Guys, what do YOU do when YOUR giant yellow Judy clock won’t fit inside your work bag?
What’s that? You don’t own a giant yellow Judy clock?
You actually worked really hard throughout your schooling and personal life so that “giant yellow Judy clock” would never be part of your professional vocabulary?
Cool.
Good for you.
But seriously what the fuck do I do about this clock.
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