They say that’s nearly impossible to do, which is exactly why I bought one. I wanted to be a caretaker with as little responsibility as possible. But lo and behold, I managed to slowly, through forgetfulness and sheer neglect, kill a plant that literally required NOTHING to keep it alive. Which just goes to show.
I can do ANYTHING, guys!
That awkward moment when this 4th grade boy’s pajama pants are way too tight.
And then I asked him to marry me.
Dad (looking at blackberry): “Oh! Today is Jeremy’s birthday.”
Mom: “Poor kid…it’s his 30th birthday and he’s all the way out there in California. I hope he has someone to celebrate with.”
Me: “He’s in Mexico with like 10 friends.”
Mom: “What?!”
For the record, I only knew this from Facebook.
I’m out on a first date with a nice Jewish boy. Works at a bank, speaks fondly of his parents, and is dressed in the standard crisp long-sleeved-button-down jewniform, just like our ancestors in the land of Egypt envisioned. Clean shaven, polite, no red flags waving wildly in the wind.
About 10 minutes into the date, he asks me if I’m religious. I laugh and reply no. Yes, I am Jewish and yes I appreciate and respect the cultural and historical aspects of Judaism, but I do not consider myself to be a religious person at all.
“Ok, good,” he replies. And then he rolls up the cuff of the shirt his Bubbe clearly picked out for him to revel an entire wrist-to-shoulder tattoo sleeve. Not just a tattoo, guys. Not a sweet tiny tribute to his overbearing but well-meaning mom, deceased Holocaust-surviving Zayde, or beloved childhood pet. A tattoo sleeve.
This thing was HUGE. And intricate. And wildly colorful. I’m talking enormous, bright red koi fish. So many koi fish. There is no circumstance in which this many koi fish should ever share this small a space. It’s just too much. I prefer my koi fish to be sparse and unobtrusive– you know, where you really have to search and be patient if you want to catch them swimming by in that indoor mall fountain.
The design had not one gap. It was a thorough sleeve of glaring, bright ink. Like this (but, you know– ON AN ARM):
My eyes grew wide. I don’t have the best game face.
Me: “Umm…oh! That’s…oh.”
Him: “I thought you said you weren’t religious.”
Me: “Right…”
Him: “I knew it. You ARE religious.”
Me: “No no no…not religious.”
Judgmental.
That moment when you meet your friends for a classy UES Mexican brunch wearing your sister’s maternity jeans.
Because it’s that or yesterday’s church clothes.
People think from reading my stories that my life is a little nutty, but I promise, guys, I’m just like you. Here’s a rundown of my day yesterday:
1) Had breakfast.
2) Went for a run in Central Park.
3) Did some writing.
4) Went on a last minute date (don’t get excited. No.)
5) Locked myself out of my apartment (still locked out).
6) Crashed a Catholic mass.
7) Did NOT blend in.
8) Went to dinner at chic downtown restaurant in church clothes (because, remember? Locked out.)
9) Slept on sister’s couch. With parents and baby.
10) Still locked out.
I’ll admit that things got weirder as the day progressed.
Just a typical run through Central Park on a spring day, passing by this adorable snowman couple holding hands…
And in case you’re in the park later and happen to spot these lovebirds on the 103rd st. transverse, the answer to your question is yes, I am the one who kicked their heads off and stabbed those butcher knives through their torsos.
#spring
…he is 12 minutes late.
4 more minutes, I’m outta here.
Today’s match on Coffee Meets Bagel requests the following:
So, therefore:
$100 says that after the first laugh, he’ll be totally smitten.
Then, after the second or third laugh, he’ll be terrified.
Girls are only allowed to be so funny.
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