Category Archives: Mental Health

Things I Will Say At Work Tomorrow

March 4, 2015Kids/Teaching, Mental Healthflu, flu season, germs, hazmat suit, kids, kids are gross, lysol, SARS, seasonal affective disorder, sick, sickness, teacher problems, teaching, winter, winter bluesEmily

“Yes. This hazmat suit is necessary.” (said to confused principal)
“I don’t care that the hazmat suit is scaring you.” (said to kids)
“Stop. Hands up. Now twirl!” (said to first kid who enters classroom, who will then be sprayed head to toe in Lysol)
“Next! Stop and twirl!” (said to each successive kid)
“Wear this.” (said to each kid, while handing them a SARS mask, a fanny pack of hand sanitizer, and a pin that says “BEWARE– I’m disgusting.”)
“GO HOMMMMMMMMME!” (said to any kid who sniffles, coughs, or looks even remotely gross. So all of them.)
“Throw that out, immediately.” (referring to kid’s shirt, after he wipes his nose on it)
“Cut that off, now!” (referring to kid’s arm, after he wipes his nose on it)
“Are you SERIOUS?” (referring to kid who wipes his nose on the classroom rug because I HAVE SEEN THIS HAPPEN)
“How is this my life?!” (said to God, over and over)
<silence> (God, ignoring me. Plotting my next illness.)

Really? ANYONE You Know?

March 3, 2015Mental Health, Random Thoughts/Happeningsanxiety, depression, doctors, flu, flu season, hypochondria, mental health, psychiatrist, seasonal affective disorder, therapist, therapyEmily

Things you don’t want to hear your psychiatrist say when you tell her you have the flu:

“Wow. You get sick more than anyone I know.”

Doctors Love Me, Part 2

March 2, 2015Mental Health, Random Thoughts/Happeningsanxiety, crying, depression, doctors, flu, mental health, sadness, seasonal affective disorder, winter, winter bluesEmily

(Continuation of Doctors Love Me)

After diagnosing me with the flu, doctor leaves room to get prescription pad, comes back to see me sobbing.

Doctor: “Why are you crying?”
Me: “I don’t know. It’s just something that happens.”
Doctor: “It’s just the flu. You thought you had cancer. This is good news!”
Me: “I know” (crying harder).
Doctor: “Ok, go home and get some rest.” (hands me Tamiflu script)
Me: “Can you prescribe anything for the crying?”
Doctor: (checking my chart) “Looks like you’re already taking it.”

Well, fuck.

Doctors Love Me

March 2, 2015Mental Health, Random Thoughts/Happeningsanxiety, cold and flu season, doctors, flu, hypochondria, web md, winterEmily

Doctor: “What brings you here today?”
Me: “A Web MD search gone horribly wrong.”
Doctor: “Ah. So– cancer?”
Me: “Four different kinds. One in an organ I didn’t know existed.”
Doctor: “So you have a cold. Maybe the flu.”
Me: “I really don’t think so. It feels worse.”
Doctor: “It feels worse because you’ve googled yourself into a state of hysteria.”
Me: “With all due respect, I think I know my body.”

I have the flu.

Your ONE Job

March 2, 2015Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Mental Healthcab drivers, misunderstandings, NYC, nyc cabs, seasonal affective disorder, snow, snow storm, winter, winter bluesEmily

As a cab driver, your ONE job is to take me to the place I ask to go. You pick me up, I request a location, and then you get me to that place. Literally, that is your ENTIRE job description.

So, sir, the next time you pick me up in the middle of a snowstorm and ask me “Where to?” and I once again answer, “A place where winter doesn’t exist,” don’t just sit there like you’re confused.

Actually DO IT.

stock-footage-new-york-january-taxicab-turning-corner-snowing-in-k-slow-motion-shot-on-red-epic

REALLY, Internet?!

March 1, 2015Mental Health, Random Thoughts/Happeningsadvertising, comedy, death, harry wittles, internet, mental health, mental illness, overdose, parks and recEmily

I was reading an article about Parks and Rec writer/producer Harry Wittles, a hilarious comedic genius who recently died of an overdose. It got me thinking about the natural link between comedy and darkness, which then made me think, with great sadness, of Robin Williams, and other great comedic minds we have lost to mental illness and addiction. I’m pretty sure anyone would have had similar thoughts while reading an article about a comedian’s life cut tragically short at age 30.

So it made perfect sense that at the end of the article about death and despair, the internet suggested THIS:

Really, Internet?! You never cease to amaze me.

Because you’re always right. I liked it very much.

Thanks!

#thatfuckingdress

February 28, 2015Dating/Single Life, Mental Health, Random Thoughts/Happenings#thedress, anxiety, blue and black, the dress, white and goldEmily

Anyone who sees blue/black is no longer my friend.

I can’t have that kind of anxiety in my life.

In fact, I’m thinking of adding this to the “what I’m looking for” section of my dating profile, which currently has NOTHING in it. So basically I’m fine with your commitment issues, heroine addiction, seixism, and tendency to store bodies in your basement, but if you see blue/black I just can’t.

#thedress #whatishappeningtotheworld

A Bad Sign

February 26, 2015Mental Health, Random Thoughts/Happeningsemojis, seasonal affective disorder, winter, winter bluesEmily

I know I’m in a winter funk when half the emojis in my “recently used” section are weapons.

“But Emily, thumbtacks are hardly a weapon! They’re a nifty teacher tool!” Not when you place them next to these wide-eyed peepers 👀.

“Ok, but a bathtub? Looks relaxing!” Yeah, until I drop in this guy 🔌

“And the running emoji? Looks like someone’s still getting her workouts in!” Nope. Just trying to outrun the high speed locomotive coming right at me. 🚊

Don’t be so naive, guys.

Emily's Posts

Like Emily Post, except the exact opposite…