Tag Archives: babies

Moms Have It So Easy

Family, Kids/Teaching, , , , , , ,

My sister and new-mom friends are always saying that caring for an infant is difficult and exhausting, and honestly, I’m finding that really hard to believe. Steph left me in charge of my baby nephew for the day. I’ve been here for over two hours with him, and it’s been an absolute DREAM. He’s just hanging out here, right next to me, acting like a perfect angel as I’ve gone about my business, doing whatever it is I’d normally do– eating, texting, watching tv, blogging, reading my kindle. So stop your bitching, moms everywhere. This is not hard.

Oh shit. He just woke up. WHAT DO I DO?!?

64-baby

I’ve Seen This Face Before

Dating/Single Life, Friends, ,

Here in Florida, visiting several people’s babies. As is common with all babies meeting me for the first time, one of the first things one of these babies did was grab my boobs, presumably looking for milk. I apologized, telling him that, unfortunately, there is nothing exciting happening under this shirt. Unconvinced and determined, he then stuck his hand down my shirt, and slipped it right under my bra. Much to his dissapotnmet, still nothing. He looked crestfallen.

This must be exactly how the men in my life have felt.

An Open Letter to Someecards

Family, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , , , ,

Dear Someecards,

WTF, guys? Look, I’ve always been a huge fan. Love your cards, and send them to everyone I know, for all occasions, no matter how seemingly inappropriate (most recent lesson learned: Death of a beloved pet = never funny. Friend getting dumped = only sometimes funny, with the right drugs on hand).

So I went to your online store, knowing you’d have some hilarious gift options for my 6-week-old nephew, who is the the cutest damn thing in the world but who also does some pretty weird shit, such as not understand English and constantly piss himself. I knew if anyone would understand how selfish and absurd babies are, it’d be you guys. And I was right! Your website gave me several baby-shaming options, right down to “I totally wrecked a vagina” (which I came thisclose to ordering, but my sister’s sense of humor has its limits, in that it barely exists.)

But there was one that was just freakin PERFECT, because, as much as my sister loves being a mom and loves that little chicken mcnugget, she mutters the words “Being a lawyer is so much easier than taking care of an infant” at a rate of 3 times per minute whenever I’m there. So when I saw the onesie that read “I make Daddy look forward to going into the office,” I thought, “Oh! Perfect! I just need the Mommy version!”

But there is no Mommy version. So I thought, “Oh, ok, this is weird. Maybe someecards just doesn’t have anyone on staff who is a woman. Or knows a woman. Or has existed in society in the past 50 years. Or lives in America. Or has heard of America.” But then I perused your “Somewhat Topical,” section, and this everyone-at-someecards-is-living-under-a-boulder-or-maybe-in-Afghanistan theory didn’t quite add up, as I see you have already printed cards about the Selma Oscar snub, Fifty Shades of Grey the Movie, and even a hilarious depiction of someone getting killed by traffic while crossing the street and checking their iPhone (totally going to happen to me one day, so I’m glad people will have a card to send to my mother).

Anyway, I’m not saying I’m going to protest your site or anything, but I can’t say I’m not disappointed. I count on you guys to be spot-on in your depictions of our ridiculous, fucked-up, asinine society. So let me be the first to clue you in: in our ridiculous, fucked-up, asinine society– women work.

Thanks for listening,
Emily (a woman who works, and who plans to work when she has kids one day, and who plans to be just as excited as her husband to get away from said kids– so get that Mommy-in-the-workplace shit made before then. You probably have a while.)

#someecards

This is Serious

Family, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , ,

Guys– I’m worried. I think there might be something wrong with my month-old nephew. Now hear me out.

Last night, I offered to babysit so my sister and brother-in-law could go to dinner. They’d only be gone a couple hours– all I had to do was feed the kid and put him to bed. Child’s play. (Or baby’s play, if you will).

So everything was going fine. I told him it was time to eat, and he ate. I burped him, he burped. Right on cue. No problem. But THEN, guys, things got weird.

I told him it was bedtime, and he stared at me with wide eyes. Wide, alert, play-with-me eyes. “No, no,” I reminded him, “Bedtime is when we SHUT our eyes.” But he continued to stare at me, making the most awake-looking face one could possibly muster. “Oh god,” I thought to myself. “He thinks ‘bedtime’ means ‘be awake.’ How is he THIS confused? This is literally the least confusing concept to understand.”

“Ok, don’t panic,” I told myself, taking a deep breath. “Maybe he’s just a visual learner. No big deal. I’ll just model it for him.” So I put him down in his chair, facing me, and then I closed my eyes and mimicked a light snore. “Now do you remember what bedtime means?” I asked him. He cocked his head a bit so I took that as a yes. Turns out he was just pissing himself. No shame at all, this kid. None.

So I took him back into the nursery and urged him to try again. “Ok, so, now that I gave you that very clear reminder about what bedtime means, it’s time for you to show me what you’ve learned.” But did the kid shut his eyes? No. He opened them even WIDER. I didn’t even think it was possible for such small eyes to open that wide. Nor did I know it was possible to be THIS BAD at following directions. I’m a teacher, I’ve seen kids screw up plenty a direction, but rarely do they do the EXACT opposite of what I ask. This is bad.

For the next 70 minutes, he continued to lay there, not understanding what bedtime means. At one point he even started cooing and making what I can only assume were meant to be jazz hands. Is this kid fucking serious?

So what do we think is going on here? Does he not speak English? Does he have some rare processing disorder where information goes in, and then his brain turns it around to mean the EXACT opposite? Do you think my sister knows something’s up, or does she have her rose-colored mom glasses on? Should I tell her?

GUYS– HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT BEDTIME MEANS. I just hope they have specialists for this.

unnamed