Tag Archives: being single

Conversations Everyone Wants to Have During a Goodnight Kiss

Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Dating/Single Life, , , , , , , , ,

Guy: “Do you have gum in your mouth AGAIN?”
Me: “Oh. Yeah. I’m an after-dinner gum chewer. Force of habit.”
Guy: “Well would you mind spitting it out?”
Me: “Sure. Sorry. Is it distracting?”
Guy: “No. It’s disgusting.”

Oh.

I’m Full of Brilliant Ideas

Dating/Single Life, , , , , , ,

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I just walked into my lobby alongside another young woman, who I’ve never seen before but who apparently lives in my building. We approach the mailboxes, and she points to a set of apartment keys dangling out of a mailbox.

Her: “You see those keys? That’s my husband.”
Me: (laughing) “That’s hilarious.”
Her: “Well the irony is, he would KILL me if I did something like that! I do absent minded stuff all the time and he’s so critical!”
Me: “Well then you should definitely take a photo of it and hold this over him until the end of time.”
Her (wide-eyed): “Oh my god, that’s SUCH a good idea!” (takes photo) “Brilliant. I take it you use this tactic with your husband?”
Me: “I don’t have a husband.”

Perhaps this is why.

On This Mother’s Day, A Classic Quote From My Jewish Mother

Dating/Single Life, Family, , , , , , , ,

Just now, on the phone:

Mom: “So, you had a third date with this guy? That sounds promising!”
Me: “Well, no, we have a third date coming up. But yeah, he’s a good guy.”
Mom: “Good! When’s the date?”
Me: “Thursday.”
Mom: “Ok.”

(long pause)

Mom: “So when is he going to ask you for a weekend date?”

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Dating App PSA

Dating/Single Life, , , , , , , , ,

Dear All Men Everywhere,

It is really REALLY super creepy when the main profile photo on your dating app is a picture of yourself as a young boy. Do you think we like this? I’m so confused. This is the only photo we see in that first instant when we decide if we’re swiping right or left– are you TRYING to attract a woman who looks at a picture of a 5 year old boy and says “Ooooh, tell me MORE!”?

If that IS who you’re looking for, maybe try looking somewhere else.

Like jail.

That’s where pedophiles are. In jail.

Now stop being a creepster. The world has enough problems.

Emily

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Which is Worse

Dating/Single Life, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , , , , , ,

I’ve been feeling kind of off the past few weeks and haven’t really been able to pinpoint why. Then today I was standing behind two women in Starbucks, and one of them was listing all my symptoms.

Woman 1: “I just don’t feel myself at ALL. I’m exhausted all the time, my body is sore, I have a constant headache, I just feel slow and lethargic and all I want to do is sleep.”

And just as I’m about to tap her on the back and say “Hey, ME TOO! What do you think is wrong with us?!”, she turns around, and I see what the problem is.

Woman 2: “Well jesus you’re 8 months pregnant with twins, how do you THINK you’re going to feel?”

So the point here is that I am either 8 months pregnant with twins, or just a single, 33-year-old, definitely-not-pregnant (trust me) woman who’s been waking up every day lately FEELING like she’s 8 months pregnant with twins.

I am legitimately not sure which is worse.

I do know that when I am pregnant one day, I am royally fucked.

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