Tag Archives: being single
Improvised Songs I Sing To My Nephew
Bouncing my nephew on my knee, to the tune of “La Cucaracha”
“You need a cousin!
You need a cousin!
Otherwise you’ll be so very spoiled.
But that won’t happen soon
No that won’t happen soon
Unless your Auntie Em makes a big oops!”
My sister and brother-in-law laughed.
My parents, sitting beside me, did not.
It’s so weird how appreciation for accidental pregnancy jokes skips a generation.
The Truth About Blondes
Kid: “I have a question for you, since you’re a blonde.”
Me (terrified about where this is going): “Ok…”
Kid: “Do people look at you more because you’re a blonde?”
Me: “Not that I have noticed, no. Why do you ask?”
Kid: “Well, my friend is a blonde, and she says people look at her more because of it.”
Me: “Oh…well…that might be her perception. But that doesn’t make it a fact.”
Kid (taking a deep breath, turning bright red): “I’m talking specifically about boys. Like, BOYS look at her more.”
Me (smiling, but secretly wishing I still taught Kindergarten): “Yeah, kiddo. I had a feeling that’s what you meant.”
Kid: “So is it true? Do boys like blondes better? Because she said that’s something that like EVERYONE knows.”
Me: “Look, there are lots of silly things said about hair color, and many other physical features for that matter, but those are just generalizations and stereotypes. The truth is that everyone has different tastes, and different qualities, both physically and personality-wise, that they find attractive. It completely varies from person to person, and you should just focus on being proud of your own unique and wonderful traits, because I promise you that plenty of people– BOYS included– are going to notice them.”
Kid: “Ok, that makes me feel better.”
Yeah, well, it shouldn’t. I’m a dumb blonde. What the fuck do I know?
My Friends Are Wise
Almost.
(In reference to the prankster) 
My Blog Is Totally Making a Difference
Of all the fan e-mails I’ve gotten (and there are TONS, if “tons” means the same thing as “eight”) this is by FAR my favorite:
This Is Where I’m Headed
That moment when you say “That could be me one day” while watching this scene in There’s Something Mary with your sister and brother-in-law, and their only reaction is to chuckle, with no reassurance whatsoever that you are being crazy/dramatic/even remotely off-base.
No, I Would Actually NOT Be a Stellar Candidate For “The Bachelor”
Got some mail from an awesome fan, who suggested the following:
Oh, sweet little doe-eyed stranger. How kind of you to think I’d EVER make it onto The Bachelor, and how much kinder that you think I’d last long enough for you to tune in WEEKLY. It is very clear we have never met, because anyone who knows me in real life knows this would be an epically terrible idea.
Here are a few reasons I can think of, off-hand, as to why I would suck on The Bachelor:
1. I’m awkward.
1a) What’s that? Saying you’re awkward makes you even MORE awkward? Well these are things I don’t understand BECAUSE I’M AWKWARD. Weren’t you listening? Give me a goddamn break people!!!!! IT’S HARD BEING ME!
2. See 1a. I’m a lunatic.
3. I’m a terrible traveler. If they want to shoot the entire show on my denim couch, though, I’m in. (Yeah, my couch is denim. And don’t you DARE knock it til you’ve tried it)
4. I cry a lot. Nope, not the cute cry. The kind that makes people slowly back away and pretend they have an emergency cat situation they need to go tend to.
5. Jews don’t win that show. Have Jews even been ON that show? I have to assume no, based on all the nice hair and absolutely zero discussion of bowel movements.
6. I no longer know how to meet a man without first swiping his face right. Not sure how that’ll go over when I do it to the bachelor live on night 1.
7. I secretly hate most people. If you’re worried I’m referring to you, I might be.
8. I would trip/fall every. single. time. I went to accept a rose.***
***huge assumption just made that I would ever be offered a rose. I wouldn’t be, because see #1, 2 and 5
9. I would be that contestant who isn’t even attracted to the gorgeous hunk bachelor, but instead to his nerdy jewish agent.
10. I can’t be drunk in a bikini and NOT eat nachos. I feel like after day 3, that would become an issue.
11. Lisps don’t make for good TV.
12. I’m stopping this list now, because I’m frightened by how easy it is to write, and how much longer I could go on for. Cue ugly cry.
Seriously though- thanks for the suggestion, new friend! 
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Addendum: After writing this whole list, posting it, and re-reading it, I realized the email said I’d be a stellar candidate for The BachelorETTE, not The Bachelor.
Oh. Yeah. I’d be great on that!
I Do As I’m Told
This morning, as they headed out of town and left me to stay here in their gorgeous Santa Monica digs, my friends gave me strict instructions to “bring home a Jew tonight.”
Alright, well…
I’m pretty sure that’s the last time these friends will say anything to me in jest.
Always Be Honest With Your Dating App, Part 14
Fun Things Single People Can Do In Their Spare Time
Try to shove your friend’s gorgeous wedding/engagement rings on your fat man-finger, then give up and transfer them to your pinky when it’s clear you’re going to break both your hand and the rings. And your will to live.
You know, if you’re looking for something to pass the time.
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