Guy: “Wait, your dad used to be Howard Stern’s lawyer?”
Me: “Yes.”
Guy: “So did you listen to Howard on the radio growing up?”
Me: “Actually, no. I never listened to his show. But my dad gave me his autographed copy of ‘Private Parts’ to read when I was 11. Then we went to go see the movie. Together. As a family.”
And now, 21 years later, I realize how fucking weird that was.
Text conversation between Dad and my brother Jeremy (Jeremy in green).
Zack’s having a tough time getting to my apartment for sibling dinner.
Just now, on the phone:
Mom: “So, you had a third date with this guy? That sounds promising!”
Me: “Well, no, we have a third date coming up. But yeah, he’s a good guy.”
Mom: “Good! When’s the date?”
Me: “Thursday.”
Mom: “Ok.”
(long pause)
Mom: “So when is he going to ask you for a weekend date?”
I don’t get it– my sister and brother in law are totally fine with me calling my chubby-cheeked baby nephew “little porker” or “my little pork pie,” but the second I suggest we stick an apple in his mouth and roast him over a fire, they get all weird.
There are a few kids in my class having a really hard time understanding fractions as parts of a whole. I remember fractions being such a simple concept for me to understand as a kid, so I’ve been wracking my brain, trying to figure out how I learned them so easily.
Then I remembered. It was from my mother threatening my siblings and me:
“You better do as I say by the time I count to 3, or SO HELP ME GOD. One! (blank stares), Two!…(no movement)….Two and a HALF (nothing)…Two and THREE QUARTERS (shit, that’s close to three wholes…should we do something? WHAT COMES AFTER THREE?!)”.
We never found out.
But I’m good at math now.
So thanks, Mom.
It seems I took things a little too far in my post Lost and Found, and Jeremy wasn’t so thrilled with me:
So after that, and as his loving big sis, you can imagine how I’m now feeling.
His friends AND his ex read my blog, guys!!!
That moment when you find a random earring in between the cushions of your couch that definitely doesn’t belong to you, so you can only assume it belongs to some chick your brother banged the last time he crashed at your place.
Ladies– anyone recognize or wanna claim it?
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