Tag Archives: kids

No but seriously. We got this.

October 10, 2015Familyaunt, baby, babysitting, family, family dynamics, kids, nephew, parenting, parentsEmily

I Love Babysitting

October 10, 2015Familyaunt, aunthood, baby, babysitting, family, family dynamics, kids, nephew, parentingEmily

My sister and brother in law have a bar mitzvah on Long Island, so tonight’s the night Eric and I lube up the baby and watch him crawl across the hardwood floors, an opportunity we missed during Lubegate and have regretted ever since.

If that goes well (how could it not?), we will break out hockey sticks and use the baby as a puck.

We will then stick him in a huge steam pot with pasta, dump red sauce on him, sprinkle him with parmesan, take a photo, and advertise him on craigslist as a gourmet spaghetti-and-meatball dinner for 10.

And to think I don’t even charge Steph and Andrew for my services.

Ebola Mom, Part 44

October 8, 2015Kids/Teachingairports, candy, cheap, disrespect, ebola, ebola mom, europe, gifts, JFK, kids, M&Ms, parenting, teaching, tutoringEmily

(Part of the Ebola Mom series)

First time tutoring Ebola Mom’s kid since last school year…

Me: “Hey kiddo! How was your trip to Europe?”
Kid: “So good! We stayed in REALLY fancy hotels! I had to wear a fancy dress to dinner EVERY night!”
Me: “Oooh, how nice!”
Kid: “Yeah. And I got you a present!”
Me: “You did?! Aw, you shouldn’t have.”

Kid hands me this:

Me (trying to hide my what-the-fuckness): “Oh, M&Ms!”
Kid: “My mom said I could only spend $2.”
Me: “Ok, well. That makes sense. What with the cost of the fancy hotels and all…”
Kid: “Yeah. So I wanted to get something nicer but I could only get candy.”
Me: “Well, they’re M&Ms all the way from Europe, so they must be special!”
Kid: “Actually I got them at the airport.”
Me: “That’s still Europe!”
Kid: “JFK Airport.”
Me: “Oh.”

Ebola Mom, Part 43

October 8, 2015Kids/Teachingebola, ebola mom, kids, NYC, parenting, teaching, tutoring, upper east sideEmily

(Part of the Ebola Mom series)

Yup. Still a humorless bitch.

I think I handled this with aplomb

October 7, 2015Kids/Teachingcanker sore, cold sore, health, herpes, kids, STDs, students, teacher problems, teachingEmily

Kid: “Miss Emily, can you please look at this for me?”

(This = the inside of his gums, where he had a huge, raging canker sore)

Me: “I’m looking. And I see. So I’m going to stop looking now.”
Kid: “Well it’s just that it hurts. Do you see anything?”
Me: “Yes. It appears you have a canker sore.”
Kid: “Will it kill me?”
Me: “What?! No. No it will not.”
Kid: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Yes. Canker sores are annoying and unpleasant, but they go away and they will certainly not kill you.”
Kid: “Is it like a cold sore? Because a cold sore can kill you.”
Me: “It’s different from a cold sore…but last time I checked, a cold sore will not kill you either.”
Kid: “Well that’s not true. You don’t always get them in your mouth…”
Me: “This conversation is over. Please get back to work.”

And then I stood up, went to the other side of the room, and hid behind the math center.

Because that’s what you do when a 9-year-old alludes to genital herpes.

You run away and hide behind a bin of protractors.