Tag Archives: kids

Things I Will Say At Work Tomorrow

Kids/Teaching, Mental Health, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

hazmatsuit

  • “Yes. This hazmat suit is necessary.” (said to confused principal)
  • “I don’t care that the hazmat suit is scaring you.” (said to kids)
  • “Stop. Hands up. Now twirl!” (said to first kid who enters classroom, who will then be sprayed head to toe in Lysol)
  • “Next! Stop and twirl!” (said to each successive kid)
  • “Wear this.” (said to each kid, while handing them a SARS mask, a fanny pack of hand sanitizer, and a pin that says “BEWARE– I’m disgusting.”)
  • “GO HOMMMMMMMMME!” (said to any kid who sniffles, coughs, or looks even remotely gross. So all of them.)
  • “Throw that out, immediately.” (referring to kid’s shirt, after he wipes his nose on it)
  • “Cut that off, now!” (referring to kid’s arm, after he wipes his nose on it)
  • “Are you SERIOUS?” (referring to kid who wipes his nose on the classroom rug because I HAVE SEEN THIS HAPPEN)
  • “How is this my life?!” (said to God, over and over)
  • <silence> (God, ignoring me. Plotting my next illness.)

I’m Not Sure If I Should Tell You This

Kids/Teaching, , , ,
Today, while taking a math test, a kid (who is Japanese) leans in close to my co teacher and whispers…
 
Kid: “I’m not sure if I should tell you this.”
Co-teacher: “What?”
Kid: “I realized something.”
Co-teacher: “Ok…”
Kid: “Japanese people learn things better and faster than American people.”
Co-teacher: “Well, I don’t think that’s a very nice thing to say.”
 
Also, you are absolutely correct.

Then he aced his math test.


Well, Yeah, Kid– Every Girl Loves a Blowjob

Kids/Teaching, , , ,

Kid: “Someone wrote ‘blowjob’ on a clipboard in school today.”
Me (deer in headlights): “What?! Oh my…”
Kid: “My teacher was SO mad.”
Me: “I’ll bet she was. Did she find out who did it?”
Kid: “No. So she just yelled at the whole class.”
Me: “Yikes…what did she say?” (I had to know)
Kid: “She was like ‘clipboards are for school work, not for writing about your day at the hair salon!'”
Me: “Umm…what?”
Kid: “Like you can write about Colonial America or fractions but not about your blowjob at the hair salon!”
Me (slowly getting it): “Right…yes…when you get your hair BLOWN OUT at the hair salon…of course…”
Kid: “Yeah.”
(long pause, starts to take out her homework)
Kid: “My mom LOVES getting blowjobs.”

IMG_1394-0

Kids Are Literal

Kids/Teaching, , ,

After reading the fable “Why the Bear Has a Short Tail,” a story about a bear who constantly bragged about his long, beautiful tail and then ended up losing it…

Me: “So what’s the lesson in this story?”
Kid: “Do not brag about your tail, or an otter will trick you and your tail will end up freezing off in a giant ice pond.”
Me: “Ok, but I mean the BROADER lesson.”
Kid: “What do you mean, broader?”
Me: “Like a lesson that a human could apply to his or her life.”
Kid (thinks for a second): “If you’re a human, and you have a tail, do not brag about your tail, or an otter will trick you and your tail will end up freezing off in a giant ice pond.”

(Sits back, crosses arms, completely satisfied with self)

I Don’t Know How To Help You With That

Kids/Teaching, , ,
While walking the class down the stairs for dismissal, I hear a kid (who I assumed was a boy, as boys and girls at this age sound exactly the same) scream from a flight below me: 
 
Kid: “Miss Emily!!! Help! My balls are stuck to my instrument!” 

Words cannot express the amount of relief I felt when I saw what the kid actually needed help with.

Ebola Mom, Part 14

Kids/Teaching, , , , , ,

(Part of the Ebola Mom series)

Tutoring Ebola Mom’s kid…

Kid: “We went to Vermont over break.”
Me: “Oh, how lovely!”
Kid: “Yeah. I’m sorry I didn’t bring you back anything.”
Me: “Don’t be silly, you don’t need to get me anything!”
Kid: “Yeah that’s what my mom said.”
Me: “Oh did she?”
Kid: “Yeah. Because, like…you’re not my REAL teacher.”
Me: “Ah. Ok…”
Kid: “And she pays you enough as it is.”