“There’s an impending snowstorm” is one of my favorite excuses to hibernate all weekend and do nothing but sleep and eat.
Right up there with “I’m a teacher,” “I’m in my 30’s” and “This is just who I am.”
Tag Archives: winter blues
Not My Season
Eric: “Oh god….what IS that?”
Me: “The reason I had to make you fall in love with me before winter.”
I slathered half a jar of vaseline on my face.
Absolutely!
Why yes, enthusiastic man on street– today IS the day I’d like to sponsor a child in Guatemala! In fact, let’s save ALL THE CHILDREN!!!!***
#daylightsavings #seasonalaffectivedisorder #itsabovefreezing #sunisshining
***Did not actually sponsor child. Can barely afford own life.
Things I Will Say At Work Tomorrow
- “Yes. This hazmat suit is necessary.” (said to confused principal)
- “I don’t care that the hazmat suit is scaring you.” (said to kids)
- “Stop. Hands up. Now twirl!” (said to first kid who enters classroom, who will then be sprayed head to toe in Lysol)
- “Next! Stop and twirl!” (said to each successive kid)
- “Wear this.” (said to each kid, while handing them a SARS mask, a fanny pack of hand sanitizer, and a pin that says “BEWARE– I’m disgusting.”)
- “GO HOMMMMMMMMME!” (said to any kid who sniffles, coughs, or looks even remotely gross. So all of them.)
- “Throw that out, immediately.” (referring to kid’s shirt, after he wipes his nose on it)
- “Cut that off, now!” (referring to kid’s arm, after he wipes his nose on it)
- “Are you SERIOUS?” (referring to kid who wipes his nose on the classroom rug because I HAVE SEEN THIS HAPPEN)
- “How is this my life?!” (said to God, over and over)
- <silence> (God, ignoring me. Plotting my next illness.)
Doctors Love Me, Part 2
(Continuation of Doctors Love Me)
After diagnosing me with the flu, doctor leaves room to get prescription pad, comes back to see me sobbing.
Doctor: “Why are you crying?”
Me: “I don’t know. It’s just something that happens.”
Doctor: “It’s just the flu. You thought you had cancer. This is good news!”
Me: “I know” (crying harder).
Doctor: “Ok, go home and get some rest.” (hands me Tamiflu script)
Me: “Can you prescribe anything for the crying?”
Doctor: (checking my chart) “Looks like you’re already taking it.”
Well, fuck.
Your ONE Job
As a cab driver, your ONE job is to take me to the place I ask to go. You pick me up, I request a location, and then you get me to that place. Literally, that is your ENTIRE job description.
So, sir, the next time you pick me up in the middle of a snowstorm and ask me “Where to?” and I once again answer, “A place where winter doesn’t exist,” don’t just sit there like you’re confused.
Actually DO IT.
A Bad Sign
I know I’m in a winter funk when half the emojis in my “recently used” section are weapons.
“But Emily, thumbtacks are hardly a weapon! They’re a nifty teacher tool!” Not when you place them next to these wide-eyed peepers 👀.
“Ok, but a bathtub? Looks relaxing!” Yeah, until I drop in this guy 🔌
“And the running emoji? Looks like someone’s still getting her workouts in!” Nope. Just trying to outrun the high speed locomotive coming right at me. 🚊
Don’t be so naive, guys.
Happy Monday!
It’s a therapy-lamp-at-work kind of day over here.
“Oh! Can I get tan from that?”– my boss, excitedly standing in front of it.
No. No you cannot.
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