Eric: “Oh god….what IS that?”
Me: “The reason I had to make you fall in love with me before winter.”
I slathered half a jar of vaseline on my face.
Tag Archives: winter
Weather Related Thought Spiral
Guess I’ll put away my puffy coat and grab my spring trench for the next 10 hours because NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE.
To be clear, the seasonal affective part of me is thrilled with this randomly warm, if only for half a day, weather. But the anxious part of me worries that The Walking Dead is happening for real.
I understand that The Walking Dead has nothing to do with weather. But, like, you get it. The apocalypse. Death to mankind. Widespread chaos and destruction.
I’m not saying I actually believe any of this, I’m just saying that I bought some guns.
Because better safe than sorry and besides, it was SO EASY.
I just walked into the store screaming THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING and the guy behind the counter shrugged his shoulders and sold me 11 semi automatics.
I forgot why I started writing this.
Germ Protection
I know some teachers who are so traumatized by their germ-infested classrooms during cold/flu season that they wash every single item of clothing they wear, every single time they wear it. Which is completely ridiculous.
I burn mine.
Winter Whining
I pull the hood of my puffy coat over my head, whimpering in the cold.
Eric: “There ya go! Warm now?”
Me: “Ugh. No. My eyes are still watering and freezing. I need a hood that covers my ENTIRE face.”
Eric: “That’d be perfect actually.”
Me: “Why? So you don’t have to look at me?”
Eric: “Are you kidding me? I LOVE looking at you!”
Me: “Awww…babe…”
Eric: “It’s listening to you that’s hard.”
Sadness? Yeah I Think I’ve Heard of It.
Tutoring a 5th grader…
Kid: “Do you ever feel sadness?”
Me: “Sure.”
I call it “Winter.”
When it happens in the fall, I call it “Mental Health Disorder.”
When it happens in the summer, I call it “Hangover.”
When it happens in the spring, I call it “For The Love of God, WTF Is Wrong With You?! It’s SPRING– WHY AREN’T YOU HAPPY?! You Are The WORST. And Stop Resenting Those Happy People Over There. It’s Not Their Fault They Know How To Enjoy Things While You Feel Dead Inside. For Christ’s Sake, Come On, The Sun Is Out!” (I’ll admit this one could use a nickname).
We’ll call yours “Puberty.”
Regardless, grab a hat, some chocolate (or, ideally– a chocolate hat) and hold the fuck on.
Spring!!!
Just a typical run through Central Park on a spring day, passing by this adorable snowman couple holding hands…
And in case you’re in the park later and happen to spot these lovebirds on the 103rd st. transverse, the answer to your question is yes, I am the one who kicked their heads off and stabbed those butcher knives through their torsos.
#spring
Absolutely!
Why yes, enthusiastic man on street– today IS the day I’d like to sponsor a child in Guatemala! In fact, let’s save ALL THE CHILDREN!!!!***
#daylightsavings #seasonalaffectivedisorder #itsabovefreezing #sunisshining
***Did not actually sponsor child. Can barely afford own life.
Do You Smell That, Guys? It’s Hope!
Daylight Savings Time is the Universe’s way of teaching us that if we scream and bitch and moan and cry about the winter cold and darkness every single day for 4 months straight, we will eventually get our way.
Or, I don’t know. A broader lesson.
Things I Will Say At Work Tomorrow
- “Yes. This hazmat suit is necessary.” (said to confused principal)
- “I don’t care that the hazmat suit is scaring you.” (said to kids)
- “Stop. Hands up. Now twirl!” (said to first kid who enters classroom, who will then be sprayed head to toe in Lysol)
- “Next! Stop and twirl!” (said to each successive kid)
- “Wear this.” (said to each kid, while handing them a SARS mask, a fanny pack of hand sanitizer, and a pin that says “BEWARE– I’m disgusting.”)
- “GO HOMMMMMMMMME!” (said to any kid who sniffles, coughs, or looks even remotely gross. So all of them.)
- “Throw that out, immediately.” (referring to kid’s shirt, after he wipes his nose on it)
- “Cut that off, now!” (referring to kid’s arm, after he wipes his nose on it)
- “Are you SERIOUS?” (referring to kid who wipes his nose on the classroom rug because I HAVE SEEN THIS HAPPEN)
- “How is this my life?!” (said to God, over and over)
- <silence> (God, ignoring me. Plotting my next illness.)
Empowerment
The last time I had the flu, I was in a relationship, so I stayed at my boyfriend’s apartment the entire time. He took care of me, fixed my meals, brought me meds, etc, and I remember thinking that I would be totally screwed if he wasn’t there to help me, as the flu is so exhausting it can make you downright delusional.
But you know what? Now that I have the flu and I’m all alone, it’s kind of empowering.
There’s a certain dignity in lapping up your lukewarm soup like a cat because you’re too weak to manipulate a spoon.
Or getting lost on your way to the bathroom in your studio apartment.
Or answering your remote control because you think it’s your phone, and then moaning into it when you’re certain your mom has picked up on the other line.
Or eating this yogurt:
I got this, guys.
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