For reasons I can’t fathom, as I am never actually involved in the conversation, I am on a group text with Eric and my brother in law Andrew.
This is the kind of shit I wake up to.
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I couldn’t remember if I put on deodorant so I needed some reassurance…
Me: “Do I smell?”
Eric: “Currently no.”
Hobbies
Kid: “What’s your favorite hobby?”
Me: “Running.”
Kid: “But running isn’t a hobby.”
Me: “Sure it is!”
Kid: “But running is just like…moving. Fast.”
He’s right.
In Honor of National Women’s Day, A Woman Winning
Eric got us both FitBits and immediately challenged me to a “who takes more steps in a week” contest. Which, to be honest, is just insane, as 1) I run marathons and 2) I’m on my feet with children all day.
But he INSISTED he’d still out-step me, which made no logical sense, unless the theory “Boys are good at all the things!!!” makes sense to you. (No, he didn’t say that. But it was there on his smug face). So I have spent the entire week ensuring that I will beat him– running unnecessary runs, finishing every errand that’s been on my my to-do list for months, mindlessly walking in circles in my kitchen, pacing for 25 minutes in my therapist’s waiting room (which didn’t at all make the other patients anxious, I’m sure of it. They would have been clutching that Xanax regardless.)
But it’s all been worth it because I have been kicking his ass, and have so thoroughly enjoyed rubbing it in his face all week.
Ok, well. This isn’t fun anymore.
I quit.
How Embarrassing for THAT Person
Just ran into my Super outside the compactor room, which is next to the laundry room.
Super: “Emily, you did laundry yesterday, yes?”
Me: “Yes!”
Super: “There were some things left in one of the dryers. I put them on the counter in there, you might want to check if they’re yours.”
Me: “Oh, ok, great! Thank you! They probably ARE mine, that sounds like something I would do.”
I enter the laundry room, and sitting on the counter is a SUPER tiny black lace thong and a pair of ridiculously worn-out cotton underwear that clearly should have been thrown away years ago.
Me (yelling): “Oh my gosh– no, no, no! These are definitely NOT mine!”
Super (laughing): “Oh, ok.”
Me: “I swear! I can be forgetful, but I’d never leave items like THAT lying around!”
Super: “Ok. Somebody else then!”
Me: “How embarrassing for THAT person!”
They are 100% mine.
The Wrong Thing To Do
Just now I entered the elevator and two women were mid-conversation…
Woman 1: “So I ended up giving him the ring back. I just felt like it was the right thing to do.”
Woman 2: “Totally. I agree.”
(Long pause)
Woman 1: “Anyway, please don’t judge my apartment when we go in. I know I’ve been here for a few months but I still can’t afford any furniture or a tv or anything.”
Yeah. Probably should have kept that ring…
Well that was 10 minutes of my life
During reading assessments…
Me: “In this passage about a fishing trip, you will see the word ‘minnows.’ Do you know what minnows are?”
Kid: “Of course! I eat them all the time!”
Me: “Ummm…I’m not sure we’re talking about the same thing. I’m talking about bait used to catch bigger fish.”
Kid: “Big fish eat minnows?!?”
Me: “Well, yes…”
Kid: “Just like how I eat minnows?”
Me: “Ok, so, again–I’m not sure we’re talking about the same thing.”
Kid: “Yes we are! Minnows! My mom buys them at the CVS. I like strawberry best. But also the mint ones.”
Me: “Ok so…minnows. Not Mentos.’”
Kid: “Ooooooh! Yeah I don’t know what minnows are.”
Strategic Placement
My sister and I are super proud of the placement of our childhood photos in my dad’s office. 😒
Ok, I get it. Not a fan.
Me (excitedly): “Oh! Wanna watch ‘Girls?'”
Eric (adamant): “No. Absolutely not.”
Me: “Oh, come on.”
Eric (more adamant): “NO.”
Me: “I don’t understand why you have such a problem with it. ”
Eric: “‘Girls’ is what they’re now showing at Guantanamo Bay. Instead of water boarding.”
Me: “Ok, ok.”
Eric: “Lena Dunham is terrible.”
Me: “I get it.”
Eric: “And Shoshana should be Sho-shot.”
Me: “Shoshana is the likable one! It’s Allison Williams’s character who’s the worst!”
Eric: “The one who had her asshole eaten out on camera? Yeah, I bet her dad is REAL proud. Look at him now. She gets her ass eaten out and the next thing you know he’s lying to America and getting fired. Look what ‘Girls’ did to HIM.”
Me: “Ok, we won’t watch it. Christ.”
My Office
“Here, look! I got you some gifts for your office.”
–Eric, handing me 12 rolls of toilet paper and a shower radio.
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