I originally bought this oversized wine glass for my Tami Taylor Halloween costume, but it turns out it’s great for special occasions, like Mondays, Daylight Savings, and 4:55pm.
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Two kids went home sick today, the first school day after Halloween, which is just sad.
These nerds need to step up their candy-gorge game. I expected half the class to be out.
I’ve had a stomach ache for 3 days.
Eh. I’m sure it’s not in the chicken.
I’m that person who won’t stop eating at Chiptole even when I know for a fact there is an E Coli outbreak.
Halloween
When your boyfriend’s name is Eric Taylor, the costume kind of chooses itself.
#cleareyesfullhearts #cantlose
And yeah. I stuffed the shit out of my bra. 
Things Children From Large Families Understand
Kid (who has 2 siblings): “My mom always calls me the wrong name.”
Me: “Let me tell ya something, kid. That’s just what happens to parents who have more than 2 children. They can’t keep everyone straight. I’m one of four, and my mom did the same thing.”
Kid: “Yeah but it’s not just that she calls me by my siblings’ names.”
Me: “I know. Let me guess. She also calls you by your uncle’s name. Or her best friend’s name. Or your cousin’s name.”
Kid: “She calls me by the dog’s name.”
Oh. Yikes. That’s rough.
Overreaction
Today there was a cockroach in our classroom the size of my hand.
It was literally the largest bug I’ve ever seen in real life, and it was hanging out right under one of our computers. My co-teacher spotted it first and relayed the information to me in the calmest, quietest tone she could muster (and if you know my co-teacher, you can appreciate the restraint this took) in order to not draw the kids’ attention, whispering the phrase “I’m going to throw up” no less than six times.
I’m not good with bugs. But more and more kids were spotting it, and the classroom was one second away from full blown hysteria. I appreciated that my co-teacher was PRETENDING to take action by grabbing a tissue box, but, let’s be real, she wasn’t going to do shit, other than possibly puke on herself.
It was up to me.
So I calmly walked over to the roach with a mountain of tissues, scooped it up, and placed it in a plastic ziplock bag. The kids gasped and then erupted into applause. They were being absurd and beyond dramatic. Then, for the next 20 minutes, they were unable to focus on their writing task. They were giving me the thumbs up, congratulating me, telling me how brave I am– pretty much anything they could do to avoid their work. You know how 9 year olds are. It was a total overreaction and completely ridiculous.
I’ve never felt cooler.
Hello
Miles I ran this morning: 10
Miles I spent listening to Adele’s “Hello” on repeat: 10
Feelings I felt: All of them. Every single feel.
Times I’ve been caught singing it aloud to myself today: 7
Times I’ve been asked to sing a little more quietly please: 8 (one person asked twice)
Fucks I give: 0
Here. Have a feel or fifty:
It’s never too early to change the conversation about mental health
Age 9 seems like a good time to learn this– Being depressed is NOT the same as being disappointed.
#themoreyouknow
Therapy
Therapist: “How are the sensory issues this week?”
Me: “I did what you told me and got new bras– and they definitely fit WAY better! It made me realize how old and stretched out my other ones were. But I still can’t WAIT to take them off.”
Therapist: “Ok, well then you probably do have a bit of a natural sensitivity to it, regardless of the fit.”
Me: “So I got new bras for nothing?”
Therapist: “Well I wouldn’t say it was for nothing.”
Me: “But the sensory problem isn’t fixed.”
Therapist: “Ok, but…you should still have new bras.”
Me: “Right.”
Therapist: “That fit you.”
Me: “Yeah.”
Therapist: “And that aren’t 10 years old.”
Me: “Ok.”
Therapist: “Just as a general rule, you should replace your undergarments every once in a while.”
OK LADY. BACK OFF.
The Breakdown, Part 2
(Continuation of The Breakdown )
This is a perfect example of a time when I could have said something nice and sweet, but instead I said something about bacon.
Damnit. I’m so bad at this.
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