Kid: “Do you like my Bernie Sanders costume?!”
Me: “Oh my goodness I love love LOVE it! And you know what my favorite part about it is? That it is NOT Donald Trump!”
“Thanks a lot.” — Kid’s brother, who I did not see standing there, dressed as Trump.
A mom and her small child get into the elevator with me…
Me (to child): “Ooooh! And what are YOU dressed up as for Halloween? Whatever it is, you look awesome!”
Child: <blank, confused stare>
Mom: “Oh she has no idea it’s Halloween. We don’t celebrate it. This is just what she decided to wear today.”
Oh.
Well then she looks ABSURD.
That moment before heading into a tutoring session when you check your reflection in a parked car window to make sure there are no remnants on your face of the Kind bar you just ate, when 5 seconds into staring at yourself you realize THERE IS A PERSON SITTING IN THE PARKED CAR. Right behind the window you basically have your face pressed against.
I wonder if the envelopes of these thank you cards I’m writing will still smell like wine when my recipients open them.
“Have a great trip!”
— My doorman, every single afternoon, when I walk out the door with my rolling “work bag.”
I had hoped by now he would have realized that I’m not going on a trip. But he hasn’t.
So now I just yell back, “Thanks! I will!”
Because we’ve come too far.
“Good morning! How ya doing today? Sleep well? Did you do anything fun last night?”
— Me, to my reflection in the mirror, because working from home is weird.
Which is a less horribly annoying explanation to give to friends when they ask why you aren’t eating a particular food– “Because I’m paleo” or “Because I’m on the wedding diet.”
Either way I hate myself.
I get into the elevator and an elderly couple is having an intense discussion that immediately makes me uncomfortable and internally defensive of the nice old lady…
Lady: “Well I’m telling you, I sat down with her the other day and I could just tell she was upset. She’s feeling very left out.”
Man: “No she’s not.”
Lady: “Who are you to say that? You don’t know how she’s feeling!”
Man: “Who cares how she’s feeling?!”
(At this point I want to jump in and kick the guy for being so insensitive. Clearly this woman has deep concern for someone’s emotions, and he’s blowing it off. Typical male.)
Lady: “Excuse me. But I care! I care how she feels!”
Man: “Ok, fine. You care. No one else cares.”
Lady: “How can you say that? How can you say that no one cares about her feelings?”
Man: “Because she’s a fucking CAT, Irma!”
Oh.
Ok yeah.
She’s a fucking cat, Irma.
What are the chances this bridal shop even lets me in the door? 
Which is more wildly unacceptable– the fact that someone allowed “American Dad” to be a part of the TBS syndicated line-up, or the fact that I have nothing better to do at 1:00pm on a Thursday than to both watch it and complain about it?
Either way, not great.
#summerofgeorge
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