Tag Archives: costumes

Really Earned My Paycheck This Session

Kid: “Do you like my Bernie Sanders costume?!”
Me: “Oh my goodness I love love LOVE it! And you know what my favorite part about it is? That it is NOT Donald Trump!”

“Thanks a lot.” — Kid’s brother, who I did not see standing there, dressed as Trump.

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Maybe Start Celebrating It

A mom and her small child get into the elevator with me…

Me (to child): “Ooooh! And what are YOU dressed up as for Halloween? Whatever it is, you look awesome!”
Child: <blank, confused stare>
Mom: “Oh she has no idea it’s Halloween. We don’t celebrate it. This is just what she decided to wear today.”

Oh.

Well then she looks ABSURD.

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Early Warning Signs of Social Awkwardness

When I was a 4th grader, I dressed up as Michael Jackson for Halloween by putting on a wig, a glove, and covering my entire face in white face paint.

Fifteen years later, it is just now occurring to me how horribly offensive that was. I somehow managed, at age 9, to unknowingly create a more awkward and offensive scenario than going in blackface. I even remember one neighbor hesitating to give me candy. I figured he just wasn’t a Michael fan.

The year before that, in 3rd grade, I went as a hobo. I wore a sign around my neck that said “Buddy, can you spare a dime?” In the town of Potomac, Maryland, where there is now a Real Housewives series (inexplicably devoid of any Jews or white people, but that’s a subject for another post) being filmed. Enough said. We had a school Halloween parade (this was back in the days when schools let children have fun), and I marched through the halls and recess yard wearing my dirty t-shirt, disheveled hair, and “hilarious” sign. The other Potomac parents loved it. The other students didn’t get it (they had never seen a poor person). The teachers, who could not afford to live in Potomac, looked away. I figured maybe they felt bad that they didn’t have a dime to give me.

“Don’t worry!” I told my teacher, laughing. “You don’t REALLY have to give me money!”

She did not smile.

Finally, at age 16, I decided to be something normal for Halloween. A friend was throwing a big Halloween dance party, and I went as Cinderella. Full-blown floor length ball gown, crown, the works.

“Finally!” my mom cried as she dropped me off at the party, “I’ve tried for years to get you wear something like this for Halloween!”

I rolled my eyes, slid the mini-van door closed, and walked into the party, fluffing my skirt upon entrance.

I was the only one in costume.

It’s a wonder I ever leave the apartment.

 

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Emoji Personified

In case you’re wondering what this guy IMG_1179-10 looks like in real life….

TQunamused

I’ve had this photo in my possession for 48 hours, and I literally cannot stop looking at it and laughing. I’ve made it the background of all my electronic devices and it has increased my quality of life by about 65%.

The look on my nephew’s face perfectly captures how every baby must feel about all the ridiculous shit we adults make them do.

If Auntie Em has her way (and I will, because I am relentless), a framed, poster-size copy of this photo will 100% be the centerpiece on every table at his Bar Mitzvah. So help me god.

#BoogerMcPorkpie #NeverDisappoints