He’s not the first to suggest my baby nephew has a WASPy name, but he gets points for best delivery.
Category Archives: Dating/Single Life
Finally! I’m In “That Place”
I just went running in the park and saw my ex boyfriend. He was with a girl who I can only assume is his new girlfriend, as they looked flirty and happy. And maybe it was the endorphins or maybe it’s just that I’m in a better, more mature, secure place in my life, but as I watched them I couldn’t help but think “You know what? That’s great.”
Because he totally got fat.
#dodgedthatbullet
I’m So Confused
Guys, this really weird thing happened where I went on a date last night, had a nice time, and then I heard from him TODAY. Not a week later, not EXACTLY 3 days later, not by accident because he meant to text a different Emily, not the next time he was drunk/stoned/watching porn. The NEXT day. Sober. While the sun was still up.
What do you think that means?
Oh, that he’s a mature 30-something male in Manhattan?
Well. This is new.
Timeless Love
Every once in a while, I am blown away by the sight of an older couple so obviously and tenderly in love after so many years. Like right now. I’m sitting on the subway and there is an older couple across from me. They are easily in their 80s, possibly even late 80s. They have obviously been married for a very long time– they just give off that knowing, comfortable, you-are-my-soulmate-and-you-complete-me aura. They are holding hands, and his other hand in placed gently on her leg, helping her hold her purse. They are smiling at each other, literally gazing into each other’s eyes as if they are the only two human beings in the world. And as I sit here and watch them, I can’t help but think
Get a fucking room.
A Friendly, Informative Reminder to Married People
Yesterday, while recounting the absurd, insulting, and downright disgusting interactions I have had on dating apps, a married friend said to me “I just LOVE living vicariously through my single friends’ stories!”
Here’s the thing, married people. We know you don’t actually mean any harm by this. But when you say such things, this is what we single people hear:
“Your life, much like a horror movie, is entertainment for me.
Seriously, I wish I had a tub of popcorn and some snowcaps. Maybe a coke.
Also, much like a horror movie, I am grateful it is not MY life. (For real. Thank. GOD.)
In fact, MOST like a horror movie, afterwards it makes me appreciate the safe, comfortable life I do have.
What I’m saying, in case I wasn’t clear, is that your life is essentially a gory, terrifying Stephen King film.
I’m sorry you’re the aging star of it.
It’s fun for ME, though.”
Then you laugh maniacally, hop in your diamond car, and drive home to your house made of Godiva, where your white-tux-clad husband is waiting for you with champagne and a foot rub.
Guys Know Nothing
Him: “You have that natural look. Like, you’re pretty without makeup. That’s hard to pull off.”
Me: “I appreciate you saying that, but I’m not sure that’s accurate!”
Him: “It is. Trust me. Most girls show up to a first date wearing so much makeup. You barely have any on, and you look great. That’s really impressive.”
Me (coy smile, blushing): “Aw, well thank you.”
I was wearing a SHIT TON of makeup.
That moment when your date shows up drunk. To your FIRST date.
It really is the rudest. And beyond immature. Overall just shows a total lack of respect and class.
I hope he didn’t mind.
(End of testing season. Teacher happy hour at 3pm. I’m sorry!!!)
This Pervert
Oh. Real = sit on my face? Glad we cleared that up.
Clear Eyes, Full Heart, I’ll Probably Still Lose
I have a first date tonight (FRIDAY night) with a guy who has the same name as my favorite Friday Night Lights character.
So the question is, should I go out and purchase a Dillon Panthers jersey for the occasion?
Jk guys. I’m not that far gone.
I’m going to wear one of the two I already own.
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