Category Archives: Kids

Know Your Audience

A 5th grader I tutor, who is generally not one to open up about anything personal, expressed to me that he was really devastated by the results of the election, and that he found it personally hurtful that anyone would vote for a bully like Donald Trump. I told him that what he was feeling was the same thing half the country was feeling, and that he has every right to feel saddened by what has happened. I then decided to use his emotional experience as an opportunity for him to practice his writing skills. We were about to start a narrative piece, and I had prepared a topic that I thought he, in his classic boy-ness, would enjoy: “Imagine you have a superpower for a day.” Getting him to write can be a painful process and I knew he’d think this topic was fun. But given that he was grappling with all these emotions from the election, I proposed that instead he write about his experience of disappointment and anger (and perhaps he’d mature a bit in the process).

Me: “Writers are often inspired by what happens in their lives, and usually the most powerful pieces of writing come from a place of genuine, deep emotion. I think what you are experiencing right now would be perfect inspiration for a writing piece. And it will have the added benefit of making you feel better, because writing is often used as a way to express, and therefore move on from, experiences and emotions that upset us.”

Kid: (intrigued) “Wow, that’s a really good idea, actually. I like how you have all these smart ideas that I would never think of. I think I probably WOULD feel better if I wrote out all these feelings.”

Me: “Aw, fabulous! So how ’bout we start brainstorming some ideas?”

Kid: “Ok, cool! I’m going to do a web.”

(I search in my bag for a pencil as kid draws a web. When I look over, I see he has written ‘invisibility’ and ‘removing my head.’)

Me: “Wait. What do these things have to do with the election?”

Kid: “Oh, nothing. I’m writing about my superpower.”

Me: “But…wait…I thought you just said writing down your feelings about the election was a great, smart idea!”

Kid: “Well, yeah. It was. But I’d rather write a story about ripping my head off my neck and carrying it around in my hands. How cool would THAT be?!”

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The Best

While assessing a Kindergartener’s math skills, I pull out some images of analog and digital clocks.

Kid: “Oh my gosh don’t even ask me this, I am an EXPERT on clocks. I know everything. I know the most about clocks.”

Me: “Ok, great! But let’s just double check.” <show a digital clock that says 7:30>

Kid: “Seventy-three o’clock.” (leans back, crosses arms, nods smugly) “I told you I’m the best at clocks.”

So…no, Trump Jr. You are very very bad at clocks.

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Maybe I Don’t Completely Understand

Mom (whispering before kid enters room): “So…[kid] didn’t get to do the homework you left him last week because he was so upset about the election results, he could barely do anything for days.”
Me: “Oh my gosh that’s terrible and so sad! It’s honestly so painful and disturbing to me that a kid his age would be so affected by this. The whole thing is just so awful. Obviously don’t worry about the homework, I completely understand.”
Mom: “Thank you, I knew you would.”

(Mom leaves, kid enters)

Me: “So like I just told your mom, don’t worry about the homework. I completely understand that you were upset about the election.”
Kid: “What election?”

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Not a Bad Word

Kid: “My parents are not voting for Trump. They think he’s a dick…”
Me: “Woah woah woah! Ok, I can’t let you use language like that with me, even if your parents let you.”
Kid (shrugging): “Ok. It’s really not a big deal. It’s not even a bad word.”
Me (having a sudden realization): “Ohhhh, I cut you off. You were going to say dictator!”
Kid: <laughs, returns to his math worksheet>

(20 seconds later)

Kid: “No. I was just saying ‘dick.'”

Oh.

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Really Earned My Paycheck This Session

Kid: “Do you like my Bernie Sanders costume?!”
Me: “Oh my goodness I love love LOVE it! And you know what my favorite part about it is? That it is NOT Donald Trump!”

“Thanks a lot.” — Kid’s brother, who I did not see standing there, dressed as Trump.

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I’m Sorry, Kids

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I am embarrassed to admit that I went against everything I believe in as a chocolate-lover and general knower-of-juvenile-things and purchased the cheapest bag of Halloween candy I could find for our trick-or-treaters. I’m sorry, Society, but $16 for the Hershey favorites variety pack that only included 40 pieces seemed insane (and Whoopers in the pack?! No. NOT a favorite and they should be ashamed to have included them. And don’t even get me started on the Almond Joy. In my childhood I could have fed an entire army on the pile of discarded Almond Joys I threw into the bottom corner of my closet. (“But Emily, if you hated them, why did you keep them in your closet?” Um, because when November 15th rolled around and I had polished off my top-ranked goods by including at least 7 pieces of candy in every meal for 2 weeks straight, I’d then enter the “Desperate Times” phase of sugar withdrawal and creep over to the reject stash in the middle of the night, while the rest of the house slumbered. I never claimed to be sane.)).

So, yeah. I went for the $5.00 generic brand, hoping that kids just won’t know the difference.

Because kids don’t notice when a peanut butter “cup” or a chocolate “bar” looks like it was driven over by a car and then stomped on by an angry little elf, right? And parents don’t mind when the wrapper is slightly torn and insides exposed, as if a mouse had already visited this piece of lesser-chocolate, and even the mouse was like, “eh, no thanks…”?*

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Just add it to your “Desperate Times” stash, kids. You’ll thank me later. Like at 3:30am on November 16th.

 

*Still (slightly) better than Eric’s idea to hand out ziplock bags of homemade beef jerky.

The Parenting Secret

“Thank you so much for teaching me today, Miss Emily.”

— tutoring client, Age 2. Yes, 2.

Me (to the mom): “Your toddler is incredibly well-behaved and polite. Teach me your parenting secret.”
Mom: “We just really reinforce good manners in this house. We emphasize respect and appreciation for others.”
Me: “And that works?! Just like that? Incredible.”
Mom: “Just like that. I find that if you model positive behavior, your children will follow.”
Me: “That was always my motto in the classroom but somehow it didn’t go as smoothly for me!”
Mom: “Trust me, the secret is consistency. And sometimes you just get lucky with a naturally sweet-natured, respectful kid.”

Then, the second I left and closed the door–

“MOMMMMM!!!! I SAID THANK YOU TO MISS EMILY NOW GIVE ME AN OREO!!!!! I SAID NOWWWWWWWW!!!”

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