In a lesson about classifying units of measurement…
Co-teacher: “So ounces and pounds measure WEIGHT. What do inches, centimeters, and feet measure?”
Student (raising hand enthusiastically): “Stuff!”
My co teacher was extremely concerned. But if you ask me, he answered the question (and not technically incorrectly, I might add), while staying extremely vague and noncommittal.
This kid is our future president.
Things you don’t want to hear your psychiatrist say when you tell her you have the flu:
“Wow. You get sick more than anyone I know.”
Yes, I GOT THE FUCKING FLU SHOT.
I know this is a natural question to ask someone who has the flu, and I’m sure I’ve asked it a million times, but honestly, it comes off as slightly accusatory. Because what if my answer was no? Would your next line be, “Oh. Well then this is your own damn fault.”
Also, I thank you sincerely for checking in, and for all your well wishes. You guys are the BEST.
Having the flu means forgetting to put on pants before opening the door for the man delivering your milkshake. And by forgetting, I mean not caring enough.
Stop judging me, guys! Yes– I like milkshakes when I’m sick!
(Continuation of Doctors Love Me)
After diagnosing me with the flu, doctor leaves room to get prescription pad, comes back to see me sobbing.
Doctor: “Why are you crying?”
Me: “I don’t know. It’s just something that happens.”
Doctor: “It’s just the flu. You thought you had cancer. This is good news!”
Me: “I know” (crying harder).
Doctor: “Ok, go home and get some rest.” (hands me Tamiflu script)
Me: “Can you prescribe anything for the crying?”
Doctor: (checking my chart) “Looks like you’re already taking it.”
Well, fuck.
Doctor: “What brings you here today?”
Me: “A Web MD search gone horribly wrong.”
Doctor: “Ah. So– cancer?”
Me: “Four different kinds. One in an organ I didn’t know existed.”
Doctor: “So you have a cold. Maybe the flu.”
Me: “I really don’t think so. It feels worse.”
Doctor: “It feels worse because you’ve googled yourself into a state of hysteria.”
Me: “With all due respect, I think I know my body.”
I have the flu.
I was reading an article about Parks and Rec writer/producer Harry Wittles, a hilarious comedic genius who recently died of an overdose. It got me thinking about the natural link between comedy and darkness, which then made me think, with great sadness, of Robin Williams, and other great comedic minds we have lost to mental illness and addiction. I’m pretty sure anyone would have had similar thoughts while reading an article about a comedian’s life cut tragically short at age 30.
So it made perfect sense that at the end of the article about death and despair, the internet suggested THIS:
Really, Internet?! You never cease to amaze me.
Because you’re always right. I liked it very much.
Thanks!
I have a birthday party in Brooklyn later today, so I’m going to wear what I always wear when I go to Brooklyn– my Gap shirt, Gap jeans, Express cardigan, Nine West boots, and a pin that says “I don’t belong here.”
In fact, I’m thinking of adding this to the “what I’m looking for” section of my dating profile, which currently has NOTHING in it. So basically I’m fine with your commitment issues, heroine addiction, seixism, and tendency to store bodies in your basement, but if you see blue/black I just can’t.
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