Just now I entered the elevator and two women were mid-conversation…
Woman 1: “So I ended up giving him the ring back. I just felt like it was the right thing to do.”
Woman 2: “Totally. I agree.”
(Long pause)
Woman 1: “Anyway, please don’t judge my apartment when we go in. I know I’ve been here for a few months but I still can’t afford any furniture or a tv or anything.”
Yeah. Probably should have kept that ring…
Me (excitedly): “Oh! Wanna watch ‘Girls?'”
Eric (adamant): “No. Absolutely not.”
Me: “Oh, come on.”
Eric (more adamant): “NO.”
Me: “I don’t understand why you have such a problem with it. ”
Eric: “‘Girls’ is what they’re now showing at Guantanamo Bay. Instead of water boarding.”
Me: “Ok, ok.”
Eric: “Lena Dunham is terrible.”
Me: “I get it.”
Eric: “And Shoshana should be Sho-shot.”
Me: “Shoshana is the likable one! It’s Allison Williams’s character who’s the worst!”
Eric: “The one who had her asshole eaten out on camera? Yeah, I bet her dad is REAL proud. Look at him now. She gets her ass eaten out and the next thing you know he’s lying to America and getting fired. Look what ‘Girls’ did to HIM.”
Me: “Ok, we won’t watch it. Christ.”
Eric (lying on the couch, with his bare foot in my face): “It’s weird how you can’t move your pinky toe. Like without moving the other toes.”
Followed by 15 minutes of him trying to do it.
I’ll admit, I’m terrible about talking on the phone. I just don’t like to do it. My friends, and my mother in particular, are always giving me a hard time about it, which is fair. I should call them more. I’m sorry!
But still, it’s always so insulting when I do speak to my mom on the phone and she makes a point to ask me if there are any major developments in my and Eric’s relationship that she should know about– clearly implying that if some kind of major event WERE to occur, she wouldn’t even know about it. Which is just insane.
She’d obviously see it on Facebook.
Eric is being extremely encouraging because he is a much nicer person than I deserve.
Tomorrow is Eric’s birthday, which means that from tomorrow until my birthday on March 30, he is only one year younger than me instead of 2 years younger than me because THAT’S HOW MATH WORKS WHEN YOU’RE AN AGING WOMAN.
Eric (excitedly): “Oh! At work we’re getting a bunch of TMZ-brand accessories for the iPhone. I’m going to get you one of the metro card holders so you can try it.”
Me (monotone): “Cool. A TMZ logo on my phone. Exactly what I’ve always wanted.”
(silence)
Eric (excitedly): “Oh! I also got you something else!”
(silence)
Eric: “A new attitude.”
Eric: “So maybe you can try that too.”
During Couples Olympics, Trivia Round:
Question: “Who says ‘I love you’ more, you or Eric?”
Me: “Eric!”
Eric: “True. But that’s only because 3/4 of the time I say it, she’s asleep.”
Fact.
Couple’s Olympics to determine who gets first choice of bedroom in the Vermont rental house.
Scores below. Eric and I were team poop emoji.
We lived up to our name. 😔
(To be clear, 1 is bad. 4 is good.)
Eric came to school to have lunch with me. We intersected in the lobby as I dropped the kids off for lunch.
Me: “Kids, say hi to Eric!”
Kids (in unison): “HIIII ERIC!!”
Kids (whispering to each other): “Who is he?!?”
Smart kid: “Oh, I know you!! You’re the guy from all the math word problems!”
That is correct.
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