(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
Yeah not to detract from her genius, but she’s 13 and I look like this:
Category Archives: Teaching
Remind Me to Thank Your Dad
Finishing a math lesson with a 5 year old….
Me: “Any questions?”
Kid: “Yeah. When that baby comes out of your vagina, is it going to hurt?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Kid: “Babies come out of vaginas, you know. My dad told me when I asked him how your baby was going to get out of you. He said it would come out of your vagina.”
Me: “Well, remind me to thank your dad. But what I meant was, do you have any MATH questions.”
Kid: “Ummmm…let me think.”
Me: “We just did a whole lesson about how to tell time and read a calendar. Do you have questions about THAT?”
(long pause)
Kid: “Oh! Yes. How many days on the calendar…”
Me: “Ok, that’s better…”
Kid: “…until that baby comes out of your vagina?”
Pretty Much
Kid and I are researching quotes for his paper about community action, and we come across a good quote by Nelson Mandela.
Me: “Ohhh, that’s a perfect one to use. Do you know who Nelson Mandela is?”
Kid: “Yeah of course.”
Me: “Oh, I’m impressed. I wouldn’t necessarily think a kid your age would know about him.”
Kid: “Well, my dad listens to his music all the time.”
Me: “Ummm…his music? Nelson Mandela was not a musician, as far as I know…”
Kid: “Yes, he’s a country singer!”
Me: “I think you’re thinking of someone else…”
Kid: “You know, (singing) ‘On the road again, Just can’t wait to get on the road again….'”
Me: “Oh, honey, no. That’s Willie Nelson. Not Nelson Mandela. They are two very VERY different people. Nelson Mandela ended apartheid in South Africa.”
Kid (pondering): “Ok but otherwise they’re pretty much the same.”
Well That’s Accurate
Me: “And what would you say is your greatest area of need?”
Kid: “Vocabulary.”
Me: “And your greatest strength?”
Kid: “Like, I guess…not vocabulary?”
Ebola Mom, Part 78
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
Ummm…about what? Fun? Culture? The world? LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR BATSHIT GRIP?!
Job Hazards
Our entire apartment is just filled with post-its of me trying to figure out 4th grade math.
. 
Upper East Side Standards
Before my first session with a new client…
Parent (to her kid): “I want you to listen to everything Miss Emily says, because she went to Penn, and if you listen to her, one day you can go to a school like that, too. Wouldn’t that be so great?”
Kid: (blank stare)
BECAUSE HE’S THREE.
Oh I See What You Did There
Parent of student: “Why isn’t her math improving more?!”
Me (aloud): “Progress takes time.”
Me (internally): “Little do you know, ‘Progress takes time’ is just my vague, polite, professional code for GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK, LADY– I see your kid one hour a week. If she doesn’t put in the effort between sessions, well…I’M NOT A GODDAMN WIZARD.”
Me: “Why aren’t I improving more?!”
Therapist: “Progress takes time.”
The Future
About to play a math game…
Kid: “Can we use the dice app on your phone again?”
Me: “No, we only did that last time because I forgot the dice. But now I have them, so we can roll them ourselves.”
Kid (sigh): “But it’s so much easier to just touch your phone screen.”
Me: “But it’s so much nicer and more interesting to be a human who does old-timey human things, like hold real dice in your hand, and then extend your arm ever so slightly to roll them on the real, live floor. Plus they make a sound and everything!”
Kid: ( 
. crosses arms. pouts.)
We’re so fucked.
Emily's Posts 