Tag Archives: humor

New Rules for Social Survival in my 30s

I’m too old and tired for new friends. If I don’t know you, and I have to put even a modicum of effort into hitting it off with you, it’s simply not going to work.

So the new rule is this: if you’re a new person, you have 2 chances with my sense of humor. If you don’t get my sarcasm/I have to explain that I’m kidding more than twice, you’re out. I’m sorry. I’m just too exhausted.

But if I met you at any point before college graduation, you can still be one of those people who never gets it or knows when I’m fucking with you, and I’ll still love you, because, quite simply, you have put in your time. And you’re probably exhausted too.

So we’re good, Mom.

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This Is My New Favorite Thing On Earth

Click here. Immediately. 

Type in your zip and enjoy the forecast (it gives you the ACTUAL forecast for your area, in language you can totally relate to. If you’re jewish. Or old. Or know anyone who is jewish or old.)

I highly recommend hitting the “random forecast” button afterwards, just to see what else she has to say.

You’re welcome.

(P.S. This was introduced to me by this guy, as he knew from meeting me once that I would love it. This is either amazing or terrible.)

I hope this isn’t what everyone thinks…

Kid: “Can I tell you something funny?” 
Me: “You can tell me something. I’m very interested to see if it’ll ACTUALLY be funny.” (It never is). 
Kid: “Oh, it is. Trust me.” (I don’t) 
Me: “Ok, go for it.”
Kid: “So you know how on Star Trek, the whole idea is that they are looking for other species?”
Me: “Yes…” (No. And losing the minuscule amount of faith I had that this would be funny).
Kid: “Well, ok, so, they keep all the information in this GIANT database. And it’s basically like what google is today…”
Me: “Right…”
Kid: “Oh. Ok. I guess you didn’t think it’s funny.”
Me: “Wait you’re DONE?”
Kid: “Yeah.”
Me: “I did not realize the story was over and that the thing that was supposed to be funny was already said.”
Kid: “Man, I was SURE you’d find that funny.”
Me: “But…but…WHY?”
Kid: “I’ve studied your humor for 3 years. I know it very very very well.”

Well this is a problem.