Look, I have to give credit where credit is due. I had absolutely zero expectations, comedy-wise, for last night’s Trump-hosted SNL episode. But I just watched it on DVR and I have to admit the show turned out a hilarious performance.
I am, of course, referring to Sia’s dancer.
Trump was fucking terrible.
I don’t know if you guys realize it, but when you all keep telling me that I’m the funniest person you know, it seriously puts a huge smile on my face and totally makes my day.
So thank you, Mom and pre-recorded daily affirmation tapes (that I recorded).
It means a lot.
I’m too old and tired for new friends. If I don’t know you, and I have to put even a modicum of effort into hitting it off with you, it’s simply not going to work.
So the new rule is this: if you’re a new person, you have 2 chances with my sense of humor. If you don’t get my sarcasm/I have to explain that I’m kidding more than twice, you’re out. I’m sorry. I’m just too exhausted.
But if I met you at any point before college graduation, you can still be one of those people who never gets it or knows when I’m fucking with you, and I’ll still love you, because, quite simply, you have put in your time. And you’re probably exhausted too.
So we’re good, Mom.
As referenced here, my friend Moss has repeatedly made the argument that I am far less funny when I’m happy with a guy.
I think that’s an outrageous and completely baseless claim.
Just check out my monthly blog stats, guys!!!!
Coach and I met last week of April and….
Click here. Immediately.
Type in your zip and enjoy the forecast (it gives you the ACTUAL forecast for your area, in language you can totally relate to. If you’re jewish. Or old. Or know anyone who is jewish or old.)
I highly recommend hitting the “random forecast” button afterwards, just to see what else she has to say.
(P.S. This was introduced to me by this guy, as he knew from meeting me once that I would love it. This is either amazing or terrible.)
Kid: “Wanna hear something REALLY REALLY cool?”
Kid: “Neil Armstrong smuggled mint lifesavers into his spacecraft.”
Today’s match on Coffee Meets Bagel requests the following:
$100 says that after the first laugh, he’ll be totally smitten.
Then, after the second or third laugh, he’ll be terrified.
Girls are only allowed to be so funny.
Kid: “Can I tell you something funny?”
Me: “You can tell me something. I’m very interested to see if it’ll ACTUALLY be funny.” (It never is).
Kid: “Oh, it is. Trust me.” (I don’t)
Me: “Ok, go for it.”
Kid: “So you know how on Star Trek, the whole idea is that they are looking for other species?”
Me: “Yes…” (No. And losing the minuscule amount of faith I had that this would be funny).
Kid: “Well, ok, so, they keep all the information in this GIANT database. And it’s basically like what google is today…”
Kid: “Oh. Ok. I guess you didn’t think it’s funny.”
Me: “Wait you’re DONE?”
Me: “I did not realize the story was over and that the thing that was supposed to be funny was already said.”
Kid: “Man, I was SURE you’d find that funny.”
Kid: “I’ve studied your humor for 3 years. I know it very very very well.”
Well this is a problem.