This year we had two lovely, very inquisitive non-Jews at our Seder.
I did my best.
Guest: “And what does the maror symbolize?”
Me: “The bitterness of slavery.”
Guest: “And the charoset?”
Me: “The mortar the slaves used between the bricks when they were building for the Eygptian pharohs.”
Guest: “And how about the shank bone?”
Me: “That represents how the slaves passed the time all those years in the desert.”
(Silence)
Me: “They boned.”
Translation: “You better get married.”
I saw this in my bathroom the day Eric moved in and thought, with an eyeroll, “Well, it’s official. A boy lives here now.”
Then I realized it’s mine.
I left it at his place a while ago.
Guess he brought it back for me.
Thanks, babe!
Eric: “What is that?!”
Me: “A clay facial mask.”
Eric: “What does it do?”
Me: “It takes out impurities.”
Eric: “Like…your Judaism?”
Yeah. I lit a candle.
Is it weird that when I booked this urologist appointment on ZocDoc, in the “notes for the doctor” section I put a link to this blog post?
On a side note, everyone in this waiting room is approximately 106 years old. And male.
Pretty sure we’re all Jewish, though.
Every time I get a haircut I think about chopping it all off and donating it to Locks Of Love, but it hardly seems like a good deed to give someone Jewish hair.
The Christmas season is officially upon us, which means that countless people, friends and strangers alike, will be wishing me a very merry Christmas. But I’m Jewish. So you know what I’ll be saying in return?
“Thank you.”
Because I’m not a dick.
When I was 15 years old, I got a nose job.
Why, you ask, would I purposely subject myself to surgery and extreme pain simply to look better?
Because my insecure, self-conscious teenage self hated my oversized nose, and I truly believed that most people in this world judge by appearances. Now that I’m older, wiser, and have had a myriad of experiences with all kinds of people, I obviously see the major flaw in that kind of naive thinking.
Most people do NOT judge by appearances.
ALL people do.
Thank god I got that shit fixed.
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