Tag Archives: NYC

Just Like Cinderella

March 10, 2015Dating/Single Life, Random Thoughts/Happeningsbeing jewish, being single, cinderella, city living, dating, fidf, friends of the israel defense forces, jews, NYC, single lifeEmily

I am going to the FIDF (Friends of the Israel Defense Forces) gala tonight, and I’m feeling JUST LIKE Cinderella. Except instead of a new blue ball gown, a twice-worn short black dress that may or may not fit. And instead of gleeful mice helping me get ready, a family of beady-eyed rabid rats scratching at my balcony door. And instead of a horse-drawn carriage, a delayed 6 train car with two separate puddles of urine. And instead of a fairy god mother, my jewish mother texting me right after I post this to ask “so who’s going tonight?” And instead of Prince Charming, a balding jew in finance.

Basically we’re both blondes.

Well, this season we’re both blondes.

Absolutely!

March 8, 2015Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Mental Healthdaylight savings, depression, hope, NYC, optimisim, seasonal affective disorder, winter, winter bluesEmily

Why yes, enthusiastic man on street– today IS the day I’d like to sponsor a child in Guatemala! In fact, let’s save ALL THE CHILDREN!!!!***

#daylightsavings #seasonalaffectivedisorder #itsabovefreezing #sunisshining

***Did not actually sponsor child. Can barely afford own life.

Your Mom is a Selfish Windbag

March 5, 2015Kids/Teachingflu, flu season, germs, kids, NYC, parenting, teacher problems, teaching, ues parents, upper east sideEmily

Us (to kid who looks blatantly ill): “Do you feel ok?”
Kid: “No. I have the flu.”
Us: “Then why are you here?!?”
Kid: “My mom said if I have too many absences I won’t get into middle school.”

A few things:

1. If you don’t get into middle school, it will be because you gave us the flu, and so we permanently branded you the dirty, germy kid. This will be the first line of your middle school recommendation letter. We might even add in that you smell. Not because it’s true, but because we hate your mom.

2. Tomorrow, we will send a big ball of phlegm to your mother’s office, which will sit on her desk all day, slowly oozing around her workspace and contaminating everything and everyone. Tit for tat, lady.

3. Leave this room. Now. (He did. And went to the nurse. Who took his temperature. Which was over 100 degrees.)

4. We know it’s not YOUR fault. We do like you a little less, though. I’m sorry. It’s just what happens.

5. Feel better, kiddo!

Right. Or They Peacefully Resolve It.

March 4, 2015Kids/Teaching, Random Thoughts/Happeningscity kids, city life, divorce, NYC, teacher problems, teachers, teaching, violenceEmily

Reading a story in which the two main characters are fighting, I urge the kid to make a prediction about the outcome.

Me: “So let’s think…what are some things that usually happen in real life after two people get into a disagreement?”

Kid: “Divorce. Or a knife fight.”

Remind me not to raise my kids here.

My Super Gives Me An Unsolicited Lesson In Perspective

March 3, 2015Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Docity living, NYC, superEmily

I opened my door to throw something in the trash chute, and happened to see my super in the hallway, so I asked him to come take a look at something for me. I showed him this:

Super (staring at tub): “Ok, what is problem?”
Me: “Oh? Really? I thought this was self-explanatory. But ok. The problem is that my water is brown.”
Super (no reaction): “Ok…”
Me: “Alright, let me try again. My water is brown and I would like it to not be brown.”
Super: “This is the problem?”
Me: “Yes. I have the flu. I’d like to take a shower. I can’t shower in brown water.”
Super: “You know the old man in 11F?”
Me: “No…”
Super: “He died today. THAT is a problem.”

Look, I’m very sorry to hear that. But your condescending tone is a little unfair and totally undeserved.

Also– can I use his shower?

Someone Needs to Explain to My Mother How New York City Works

March 3, 2015Familycity living, family, family dynamics, flu, flu season, mom, NYC, parenting, parentsEmily

My mom, on the phone, after learning that I have the flu…

Mom: “Do you have any food in your apartment?”
Me: “A little. I have some soup.”
Mom: “Ok. Well, are there places there that will deliver?”

Empowerment

March 2, 2015Dating/Single Lifebeing single, delusions, flu, independent living, NYC, seasonal affective disorder, single life, studio, winterEmily

The last time I had the flu, I was in a relationship, so I stayed at my boyfriend’s apartment the entire time. He took care of me, fixed my meals, brought me meds, etc, and I remember thinking that I would be totally screwed if he wasn’t there to help me, as the flu is so exhausting it can make you downright delusional.

But you know what? Now that I have the flu and I’m all alone, it’s kind of empowering.

There’s a certain dignity in lapping up your lukewarm soup like a cat because you’re too weak to manipulate a spoon.

Or getting lost on your way to the bathroom in your studio apartment.

Or answering your remote control because you think it’s your phone, and then moaning into it when you’re certain your mom has picked up on the other line.

Or eating this yogurt:

I got this, guys.

Your ONE Job

March 2, 2015Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Mental Healthcab drivers, misunderstandings, NYC, nyc cabs, seasonal affective disorder, snow, snow storm, winter, winter bluesEmily

As a cab driver, your ONE job is to take me to the place I ask to go. You pick me up, I request a location, and then you get me to that place. Literally, that is your ENTIRE job description.

So, sir, the next time you pick me up in the middle of a snowstorm and ask me “Where to?” and I once again answer, “A place where winter doesn’t exist,” don’t just sit there like you’re confused.

Actually DO IT.

stock-footage-new-york-january-taxicab-turning-corner-snowing-in-k-slow-motion-shot-on-red-epic

Brooklyn

February 28, 2015Random Thoughts/Happeningsbrooklyn, city living, hipsters, NYCEmily

I have a birthday party in Brooklyn later today, so I’m going to wear what I always wear when I go to Brooklyn– my Gap shirt, Gap jeans, Express cardigan, Nine West boots, and a pin that says “I don’t belong here.”

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