That moment when you’re texting with the guy you went out with last week, and he keeps referencing things you talked about, but you don’t remember any of them because you were WAY too drunk.
and then….
Category Archives: Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do
Share Your Favorite Blog Day!
Guys! Now that I am an in-the-know member of the blogging community, I learned that today is international “Share Your Favorite Blog” Day!
The rules are simple–
1. Choose your favorite blog (this one)
2. Share it on your Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Snapchat/Whatever the hell else is out there ruining our interpersonal skills
3. Type a quick blurb with your share, such as “THIS BLOG IS AMAZING AND YOU MUST READ IT!” or “THIS BLOG IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO MY LIFE!” or “THE WRITER OF THIS BLOG IS A COMPLETE DISASTER BUT IT’S FUN TO READ ABOUT!”
4. Become my new best friend (can only be accomplished by completing steps 1-3).
Thanks so much guys!! Share Your Favorite Blog Day is definitely my new favorite holiday, and I’m so grateful to the person who thought it up!**
**I thought it up. No such holiday exists. Unless you count this post as its birth. So I guess technically now it exists, but I’m the only one celebrating.
Just share my fucking blog. Please.
#shareyourfavoriteblogday
Lazy Saturday
That moment when you spill powdered sugar on your couch, and for a good 10 seconds you consider licking it up as a solution.
Just kidding, guys.
I only considered it for 3 seconds.
Then I did it.
Improvised Songs I Sing To My Nephew
Bouncing my nephew on my knee, to the tune of “La Cucaracha”
“You need a cousin!
You need a cousin!
Otherwise you’ll be so very spoiled.
But that won’t happen soon
No that won’t happen soon
Unless your Auntie Em makes a big oops!”
My sister and brother-in-law laughed.
My parents, sitting beside me, did not.
It’s so weird how appreciation for accidental pregnancy jokes skips a generation.
The Truth About Blondes
Kid: “I have a question for you, since you’re a blonde.”
Me (terrified about where this is going): “Ok…”
Kid: “Do people look at you more because you’re a blonde?”
Me: “Not that I have noticed, no. Why do you ask?”
Kid: “Well, my friend is a blonde, and she says people look at her more because of it.”
Me: “Oh…well…that might be her perception. But that doesn’t make it a fact.”
Kid (taking a deep breath, turning bright red): “I’m talking specifically about boys. Like, BOYS look at her more.”
Me (smiling, but secretly wishing I still taught Kindergarten): “Yeah, kiddo. I had a feeling that’s what you meant.”
Kid: “So is it true? Do boys like blondes better? Because she said that’s something that like EVERYONE knows.”
Me: “Look, there are lots of silly things said about hair color, and many other physical features for that matter, but those are just generalizations and stereotypes. The truth is that everyone has different tastes, and different qualities, both physically and personality-wise, that they find attractive. It completely varies from person to person, and you should just focus on being proud of your own unique and wonderful traits, because I promise you that plenty of people– BOYS included– are going to notice them.”
Kid: “Ok, that makes me feel better.”
Yeah, well, it shouldn’t. I’m a dumb blonde. What the fuck do I know?
You’ve Got It All Wrong
That moment when you’re getting ready for work and you look out your window and spot a woman who’s just got it all wrong. The outfit, the hair, the bag, the makeup, the expression on her face– everything is a giant hot mess. And you just want to reach out, give her a hug, and say “Come girl, let’s fix you.”
Wait, not a window. A mirror.
Not What I Was Craving
That moment when you’re proctoring a test in someone else’s classroom and you see a box that says “perishable, open upon arrival” and you get excited thinking it might be cookies, so you take a peek inside.
It’s a container of live crickets.
Professional Problems
Guys, what do YOU do when YOUR giant yellow Judy clock won’t fit inside your work bag?
What’s that? You don’t own a giant yellow Judy clock?
You actually worked really hard throughout your schooling and personal life so that “giant yellow Judy clock” would never be part of your professional vocabulary?
Cool.
Good for you.
But seriously what the fuck do I do about this clock.
I Need To Work On My Flirting
Last night, out at a bar…
Guy: “My birthday is coming up soon.”
Me: “Ah yes, I just had mine. The joys of aging!”
Guy: “I actually don’t mind it. I’m genuinely looking forward to turning 40.”
Me: “Yeah, well. That’s because you don’t have a uterus.”
Awkward chuckle. Slowly backs away. Moments later leaves bar entirely.
Oops
That moment when you text the wrong jewish Dan.
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