Client, Age 3 (Yes. Three.), during a “greater than/less than” math lesson….
Kid: “You’re 35?!?! My mom is 31, and that is LESS THAN 35!”
Me: “Right!”
Kid: “But she has THREE kids and you have ZERO kids and zero is LESS THAN three! Zero is NOTHING!”
Me: “Well…”
Kid: “You have NOTHING!”
Reading this book with a 1st grader…
Me: “So what did we learn in this book?”
Kid: “That Barack Obama was born in an African country.”
Me: “WHAT?! No, no, no. NO.”
Kid: “Yeah, it said that.”
Me: “No, it said Barack Obama was born in HAWAII– his FATHER is from Africa.”
Kid: “Oh, same thing though.”
Me: “No. NO. NOT the same thing. Not the same thing at all.”
Kid: (shrugs)
Me: “Repeat after me: ‘Barack Obama was born in Hawaii. In the UNITED STATES.'”
Kid: “Ok…”
Me: “Say it.”
Kid: “Barack Obama was born in Hawaii.”
Me: “I’m very serious about this. I can’t have you thinking that. And I definitely can’t have you going around saying ‘My tutor Emily taught me that Barack Obama was born in Africa.’ Do you understand?”
Kid: “I understand…”
Me: “He was NOT born in Africa.”
Kid: “Ok stop freaking out. I get it.”
Excerpt from an email I received from a former student:
My drafted response:
“You’ve had that same pimple since our last session.”
— 1st grader
I spend my work days almost exclusively with children and no adults, so sometimes I’m tempted to have a more intellectual conversation than they are capable of having.
After reading this segment of a larger article on how pioneer children entertained themselves….
Kid: “Ok…but then what?”
Me: “What do you mean?”
Kid: “How is that a game? They’re just swinging a button.”
Me: “Right…well. I think that’s the point of the article. To compare and contrast how pioneer children entertain themselves with how children entertain themselves now.”
Kid: “Oh my god. I feel so bad for them. They must be so bored!”
Me: “Ironically and interestingly, I don’t think they were. Because they had to work harder to entertain themselves, they were probably better at it and more content than today’s children. Having to work harder for your entertainment makes you appreciate it more.”
Kid: (blank stare)
Me: “Ok, never mind. That might have been a bit over your head.”
Kid: (blanker stare)
Me: “Sometimes I overanalyze and put more of a psychological spin on these things than is necessary.”
Kid: (blankest stare)
Me: “Let’s get back to the article. What was the main idea?”
Kid: “Pioneer kids’ toys SUCK.”
Me: “Ok…not exactly….”
Kid: “I’m going to send them some better toys!”
Me: “But…you can’t send pioneer children toys…”
Kid: “Because they live too far away?”
Me: “No…”
Kid: “Or maybe their parents don’t let them take stuff from strangers?”
Me: “Stop talking and put down the pencil.”
Kid (after her brother ran away from her): “He always does that when I try to give him a hug.”
Me: “My brothers used to do that too when I tried to hug them!” (False. Never tried to hug them).
Kid: “You have brothers? How old are they?”
Me: “Well, they’re younger than me, so…”
Kid: “SIXTY-TWO?!”
“It’s pussy! It’s pussy! It’s pussy! IT’S PUSSY! Auntie Em, it’s PUSSY!”
— my 2-year-old nephew.
(It’s Percy)
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
Pretty sure she literally has us all programmed in her phone as “The Help.”
“No.”
— Kid, when I enthusiastically asked if she was ready and excited to learn.
Kid: “You talk funny.”
Me: “I know. I have what’s called a lisp. It makes it hard to say certain words. Like lisp.”
Kid: “No, not that. Well, also that.”
Me: “Cool.”
Kid: “But like…you sound like you have gum in your mouth.”
Me: “Ok, well. I don’t.”
Kid: “And you say ‘four’ weird.”
Me: “Do I?”
Kid: “Yes. My mom thinks it too.”
Me: “Well that’s nice…”
Kid: “She says it’s because you’re from Maryland. And people talk funny there.”
Your mom’s from STATEN ISLAND are you shitting me?
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