Category Archives: Kids/Teaching

Your Mom is a Selfish Windbag

Kids/Teaching, , , , , , , , ,
Us (to kid who looks blatantly ill): “Do you feel ok?” 
Kid: “No. I have the flu.”
Us: “Then why are you here?!?”
Kid: “My mom said if I have too many absences I won’t get into middle school.”

A few things:

1. If you don’t get into middle school, it will be because you gave us the flu, and so we permanently branded you the dirty, germy kid. This will be the first line of your middle school recommendation letter. We might even add in that you smell. Not because it’s true, but because we hate your mom. 

2. Tomorrow, we will send a big ball of phlegm to your mother’s office, which will sit on her desk all day, slowly oozing around her workspace and contaminating everything and everyone. Tit for tat, lady. 


3. Leave this room. Now. (He did. And went to the nurse. Who took his temperature. Which was over 100 degrees.)

4. We know it’s not YOUR fault. We do like you a little less, though. I’m sorry. It’s just what happens.

5. Feel better, kiddo! 


Right. Or They Peacefully Resolve It. 

Kids/Teaching, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , , , , , ,
Reading a story in which the two main characters are fighting, I urge the kid to make a prediction about the outcome. 
 
Me: “So let’s think…what are some things that usually happen in real life after two people get into a disagreement?”
Kid: “Divorce. Or a knife fight.”
 
Remind me not to raise my kids here. 

Serious Potential 

Kids/Teaching, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , ,

In a lesson about classifying units of measurement…

Co-teacher: “So ounces and pounds measure WEIGHT. What do inches, centimeters, and feet measure?”

Student (raising hand enthusiastically): “Stuff!”

My co teacher was extremely concerned. But if you ask me, he answered the question (and not technically incorrectly, I might add), while staying extremely vague and noncommittal.

This kid is our future president.

Things I Will Say At Work Tomorrow

Kids/Teaching, Mental Health, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

hazmatsuit

  • “Yes. This hazmat suit is necessary.” (said to confused principal)
  • “I don’t care that the hazmat suit is scaring you.” (said to kids)
  • “Stop. Hands up. Now twirl!” (said to first kid who enters classroom, who will then be sprayed head to toe in Lysol)
  • “Next! Stop and twirl!” (said to each successive kid)
  • “Wear this.” (said to each kid, while handing them a SARS mask, a fanny pack of hand sanitizer, and a pin that says “BEWARE– I’m disgusting.”)
  • “GO HOMMMMMMMMME!” (said to any kid who sniffles, coughs, or looks even remotely gross. So all of them.)
  • “Throw that out, immediately.” (referring to kid’s shirt, after he wipes his nose on it)
  • “Cut that off, now!” (referring to kid’s arm, after he wipes his nose on it)
  • “Are you SERIOUS?” (referring to kid who wipes his nose on the classroom rug because I HAVE SEEN THIS HAPPEN)
  • “How is this my life?!” (said to God, over and over)
  • <silence> (God, ignoring me. Plotting my next illness.)

I’m Not Sure If I Should Tell You This

Kids/Teaching, , , ,
Today, while taking a math test, a kid (who is Japanese) leans in close to my co teacher and whispers…
 
Kid: “I’m not sure if I should tell you this.”
Co-teacher: “What?”
Kid: “I realized something.”
Co-teacher: “Ok…”
Kid: “Japanese people learn things better and faster than American people.”
Co-teacher: “Well, I don’t think that’s a very nice thing to say.”
 
Also, you are absolutely correct.

Then he aced his math test.