“What’s a sconce? What does decor mean? Do we want a table shaped like an elephant?”
–Eric, online furniture shopping.
Category Archives: Relationships
Dream Analysis
I’ve always been one to have pretty vivid dreams, and my therapist tells me that when this happens, in order to interpret them I should focus on the FEELING I had in the dream. The actual characters, context, and events of the dream are usually not relevant and shouldn’t be over-analyzed. It’s the emotion during the dream that you should focus on, as it’s likely an emotion you are trying to suppress in your waking life.
I’ve shared this wisdom with Eric, so we now make it a habit to discuss these vivid dreams when I have them (Side-note: We do NOT to make it a habit to discuss Eric’s dreams, as Eric is quite possibly the WORST summarizer of dreams on the planet. He is an exceptional storyteller in general, but when it comes to his dreams, he suddenly has the verbal capabilities of Forrest Gump. It will take him 15 minutes to explain a dream that could not have possibly lasted longer than 7 seconds. The benefit of discussing/interpreting his dream does not outweigh the amount of life minutes lost waiting for him to get to the point, so I generally refuse to participate and just tiptoe slowly out the room as he’s talking, which, 50% of the time, he does not even notice.)
This morning’s discussion…
Me: “I had a dream that you proposed. But the ring was a HUGE purple quartz rock. Literally a rock, in its rock form. And the ring part was flexible plastic, like the kind of ring you win at an arcade, that can fit on any sized finger. It literally looked like this, sitting upon a yellow plastic ring:
And my sister was in the background yelling ‘I helped pick it out!’ which was just baffling to me, especially considering how nice her ring is, and how impossibly picky she is about jewelry. And you were just sitting there with a shit-eating grin on your face, so proud of your choice, particularly the flexible plastic base, because, as you put it, ‘This way it will always fit, even if you get fatter!'”
Eric: “And how did that make you FEEL?”
(Pause as I contemplate the baseline emotion of the dream)
Me: “It made me feel like you’re a fucking idiot.”
Eric: “Sounds about right. Analysis complete!”
I’m trying not to take this personally
Me: “I’ve been told walnuts will improve my brain health.”
Eric: 
Smart
“Leave it there so we look smart.” — Eric
It’s been there for 3 days now.
I just tripped over it.
Nothing about this looks smart.
He Thinks We’re at a Point in Our Relationship Where This is Funny
We’re not.
I Mean, The Sweatshirt Makes a Good Point…(Part 2)
(Continuation of I Mean, The Sweatshirt Makes a Good Point )
The first thing Eric did when he walked in the apartment was put the sweatshirt in his closet, then throw the note at me and say, in his most annoyed tone, “You know, it took you more time to write that note than it would have to just put the sweatshirt away.”
But, again, what was the FIRST thing he did when he walked into the apartment?
It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
#training
I Mean, The Sweatshirt Makes a Good Point…
See, I don’t nag him. The clothes do.
I Love Going Splitsies
Eric: “You wrote in your anniversary card that you love when we go splitsies. When have we ever split the bill?”
Me: “No, I meant, like, when we can’t decide between two main dishes– so you get the steak and I get the duck, and we split each dish. You know, splitsies.”
Eric: “So basically you love that you get to sample all the food that I pay for.”
(long pause)
Me: “Yes.”
It sounded cuter in my head.
Paleo Restart 30-Day Challenge, by the Numbers: Day 1
Amount of times I asked Eric “Are we allowed to eat THIS?” while shopping for paleo foods today: 98
Amount of times Eric had to remind me that dairy is not allowed: 98
Amount of times Eric had to remind me that cheese is, in fact, dairy: 98
Amount of times I tried to lick a wedge of Brie: 6
Amount of times Eric pretended to not know me : 7 (6 for the Brie incidents, 1 for when I casually molested a huge ball of mozzarella)
Amount my love for Eric has decreased since he came up with the idea to remove dairy and sugar from my life: 13% (this number constantly fluctuates depending on how many bandanas he’s wearing, so no one panic, Mom.)
Amount of people I’ve wanted to kill today: 2 (down from a normal average of 9. It’ll never be less than 2. I live in New York.)
Amount of stomach aches I’ve had today: 0 (down from a normal average of 3– one per meal)
Amount of headaches I’ve had today: 0 (down from a normal average of 3– one for each time the 4-hour Advil wears off)
Amount of times I’ve been hungry or unsatisfied today: 0 (down from a normal average of always)
Amount of times I’ve been anxious today: 0 (down from an average of 70% of all waking hours, plus about 40% of all sleeping hours. Tidal-wave dreams are no joke, guys.)
Amount of times I’ve been willing to admit to Eric that this might be a really great idea after all: 0 (I’m still me)
Amount of feel-good days that will pass before I will be willing to admit to Eric that this might be a really great idea after all: n/a (I don’t admit things, I simply change the story of what happened)
Amount of credit I will take if we decide that paleo has completely changed our lives and health for the better: 100%
Reasons Eric has for dealing with me: 0 (Really. I don’t understand how he does it.)
“Look! It’s me and you in vegetable form!” –Eric, shopping paleo today. He’s the short, lumpy spud on the left, in case that wasn’t clear. Apparently I carry my weight in my hips 
Maturity
Referring to a classroom activity…
Ok, so. NOT something boys grow out of.
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