“Where are they? WHERE ARE THEY? WHERE. ARE. THEY?! Answer me. WHERE ARE THEY? Are you going to answer me? WHERE ARE THEY?!?!?!”
— Eric, upon realizing that he hasn’t seen his bandanas in awhile.
Category Archives: Relationships
I Don’t Know How to Do the Thing You’re Saying
Partly inspired by a scale that told him he gained 9 pounds in the past week, and partly due to my constant complaints of feeling fat, Eric convinced me to try a “Paleo Restart” 30-day program with him.
Even though he discovered this morning that the scale was wrong (um, obviously. 9 pounds in one week? #science), and despite the fact that I didn’t actually want to DO anything about feeling fat, I just wanted him to respond “That’s crazy, you’re not fat! It’s fine to eat that 9th Hershey Nugget!” (um, obviously. #science) he’s still super into the program. Plus, we already paid the $35 for it. So fine.
I went to sleep last night totally on board to start this weekend, but then this morning had a horrifying realization.
Oh, yeah. Why didn’t I think of that?
PROBABLY BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE EGG SALAD, MUCH LESS MAKE THE FUCKING MAYO FOR EGG SALAD.
No.
I’m out.
I Heard You
(Screaming from the kitchen): “Oh my god babe, come ON! We are a dual income household now! There are things in life you just can NOT be cheap about! Seriously, I can’t live like this!”
–Eric, upon discovering I bought CVS brand paper towels.
Ok. I heard you loud and clear.
You said “I hate it when you save money! Please spend all my money!”
On it.
Paradise
Me (whining): “Errrrrric….”
Eric: “What?”
Me (stealing his coffee and drinking it): “I have a headache.”
Eric: <on his phone, likely trying to tune me out>
Me (drinking more of his coffee): “I said I have a headache! Are you listening?”
Eric: <mumbled, what-do-you-want-me-to-do-about-it response>
Me: “BUT YOU TOLD ME THIS IS YOUR PARADISE!!!!!!!”
Pretty sure this no longer applies.
While watching The Revenant…
Me: “If I’m ever attacked by a bear like that, and I survive, just kill me.”
Eric: “Ok!”
Quicker response than I would have liked.
Me (singing Justin Bieber): “And if you like…the way…you look that much…then baby you should go and love yourself…and if you think…that AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MURDERER!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!”
And that’s the last time Eric surprised me in the shower.
Things Men Shouldn’t Try
Eric’s been watching a lot of home renovation shows on HGTV.
“Look, if you stack the blankets sideways, it creates a more modern look.”
I’m having anxiety.
Things I Thought Were Obvious
Eric, after paying for our dinner last night at Mas Farmhouse and culminating a week-long, gifts-and-flowers-packed celebration of our anniversary:
“Man. This anniversary ended up being expensive. I should’ve just proposed.”
Um, yeah. Duh.
Sometimes I’m Not Entirely Sure He’s Listening
Me: “Aw, my mom’s friend wrote me a really nice email. I donated to her son’s charity and she sent me such a lovely thank you note.”
Eric: “That’s nice. Look! <shows me his phone> Here’s a video about a collar you can put on a cat that translates it’s purr into a human voice.”
Confessions
The important thing is that I know how to WITHDRAW the cash.
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